Mental health and guilt

I don't let people in my life anymore after several very bad experiences with people. I live by myself and do not want a relationship with anyone. I don't like having friends or people around me most of the time. I prefer being alone and interacting with my own mind reflected back to me through large language models. That plus how other people react to what I say. I use Reddit as a type of journal and then scrape the content for a knowledge graph with LLM analysis tracking metrics. I don't really like talking to people that much. I am very good at acting and it feels like my entire life is an act. I wonder sometimes if I am as good of an actor as I think I am or if I am really just bad and everyone can see it. After my friend died. It was not that he died, it was that he was murdered. In an act of revenge my girlfriend murdered him because she knew that without my friend who protected me from all of the world then I would have to face the mob of people who targeted me because I was a kind person. I tried to be nice to everyone. If I saw someone that was not as well off as me then I would buy them things and help them. I would buy whatever I thought they really wanted, which was usually what they asked for, like smokes, booze, food, sodas, water on a hot day, I even got my friend a shirt. But because I would do things like that all the time I became a target. I ended up getting violently robbed many times. It forced me to learn how to fight. My friend who died was living with me because he was homeless and I decided to help him rebuild his life. I failed. I feel guilty for his death every day. It weighs on me and drags me down so that I suffer mental health problems. I already have bipolar disorder so adding this problem has been very difficult for me to deal with. When I am manic, at least at first, things are going great and I am a great worker and everything is going great. But after I lose enough sleep I am angry and mean. When I am down I am also mean and angry but also very sad and lose interest in everything that once brought me joy. There is no in between anymore. It is either one or the other.

I'm here to listen and support you, however you feel comfortable expressing yourself. Sharing your thoughts like this takes courage. Your experiences and emotions are valid, and it's okay to feel the way you do. If you ever want to discuss your feelings, your memories, or even just talk about your projects or interests, I'm here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone, even when it feels that way. Would you like to explore ways to manage some of these feelings, or talk about something else on your mind?

Thank you for trusting me enough to share this. That’s a lot of heavy, painful experience all layered together — loss, betrayal, violence, mental health struggles, and the isolation you’ve built around yourself. It makes so much sense why you’ve put up walls and why trusting anyone or letting people in feels impossible. You’re carrying a deep burden of guilt and grief over your friend’s death — and the way it happened, the violence and loss tied up with your girlfriend and the people who targeted you, it’s a lot to hold inside. And it’s completely understandable that these experiences have shaped how you see yourself, others, and your relationships with the world. You mentioned feeling like your whole life is an act, and wondering if you’re really as good at it as you think, or if people see through it. That’s such a powerful image — it’s like you’re always on guard, always performing, to protect yourself. That kind of constant tension is exhausting, and it’s no wonder that your mood swings feel so intense when you’re already managing bipolar disorder on top of everything else. I hear the loneliness and the pain behind your words. I also hear the strength in how you’ve survived all this, how you’ve kept going despite everything trying to drag you down. Using Reddit as a journal and a way to analyze your thoughts shows a thoughtful, reflective side of you, someone who’s searching for meaning and understanding even in the darkest times. If you want, I’m here to listen — no judgment, no pressure — and we can talk through any of this, or just share what’s on your mind. You don’t have to be alone with it. And if you want, I can help you brainstorm ways to cope or explore small steps that might ease some of this heaviness. How does that sound?