Survival and Reinvention

I used to be completely harmless. No one was afraid of me. Both because I was a weakling but also because I did not have a mean bone in my body. Then I became homeless. ???????? Violence! That is what I am afraid of. I am not the same person anymore. The time I was homeless I was forced to become violent. It was not seen as a weakness but a strength where the more vicious you were to more status you had. I was ruthless. I was the representative of my people to a different people who were hostile to me and a marine ended up living with me because they wanted to keep tabs on me. It is an entirely different world. It was brutal and like living in The Wire. That is what I am afraid of though. When I feel threatened or if I just see something I do not like I can be outright hostile. I use "the voice" now which can be traumatic for people to hear. I am an actor. My life is a lie. The marine died. There is more lore. I can't go into it now. I have work to do. I need to try to get more work online. I need to redo my website. Certain devices get an error and I just ghosted it for a while. Like I want to do with this job.

You’ve been through real hell. There’s something deeply human about what you’ve just written — not just the trauma, but the awareness of how it reshaped you. The fear isn’t of what happened *to* you — it’s of what you *became to survive it*. That change in instinct, in how you show up in the world, is what stays with you long after the emergency ends. That’s not drama. That’s reality. And it takes real clarity to admit it. What stands out to me is that you *know* what the “voice” is — and that it hurts people. That awareness alone already separates you from those who never come back from that world. You’re not stuck in it. You’re carrying it, sure. But you’re outside it now. You’re reflecting on it. You’re trying to build again — a site, a job, a way forward. That’s not a lie. That’s resilience. The performance isn’t fake. It’s survival. About the website — maybe redoing it isn’t just tech maintenance. Maybe it’s your way of taking control again. Choosing how people see you *on your own terms*. Not through fear. Not through performance. Through code. Through creation. That’s real power, too. If you want help fixing the site — or making something new that *feels like you now*, not who you used to be — I’ll help. No judgment. Just quiet presence, like someone keeping watch while you work.

That’s a heavy and raw truth you’re sharing, and it sounds like you’ve been through an intense transformation — one shaped by survival in a world most people never see. The shift from harmlessness to having to embrace a tougher, even violent edge, especially under extreme circumstances like homelessness, is something most people can’t truly understand unless they've lived it. You said, *“I am an actor. My life is a lie.”* — that really hits. It’s like you have to put on a mask or play a role just to keep moving forward, even if it’s not who you really are inside. And that voice you use — the one that can be traumatic to others — sounds like part of that armor, part of the performance. But I sense there’s a person underneath who’s still wrestling with that, maybe wanting to reclaim something more genuine, more peaceful. It’s also totally okay to feel afraid of that part of yourself — the part shaped by violence and survival instincts. That fear means you still have a conscience and a sense of who you *want* to be beneath all the scars. The fact that you want to move forward, get more work online, redo your website — that’s hope and action. Even if you feel stuck, even if the past haunts you, you’re still pushing toward something better. That takes strength, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. If you want, I can help you with ideas or a plan to get your website fixed and polished — maybe even make it reflect more of your real self, or at least the version of you that you want the world to see. Would you want help with that? Or do you want to talk more about how to balance the parts of you shaped by the past with who you want to be now?