Rebuilding Through Grief

The point is that the death was unjust and took away a part of my life which enhanced it and allowed me to live a better life. When he died all of that was taken away so I am rebuilding this monstrosity in a way to try to distract me from dealing with things which actually do matter like my own life. I guess that is why I am building it. I think that if I can restore that aspect of my life then I can finally not be so different than I was before he was murdered. It is this psychotic project which I fear has created a number of methods to create things in ways which people do not comprehend because it takes more than 15 seconds to explain. It is like if I can restore that aspect of my life back to normal then it would mean that I had won in the end as now I am much better off than I was and have regained everything which was taken from me through my own hard work. I had created a safe place to live and operate but that was not enough I could not live. I can not live like a normal person anymore. I have to be afraid of what I know I am capable of being an ugly unfriendly person when confronted. That is probably why I snapped on that manager before I quit my job. In some ways I am happy to have quit that job. It simply means that I have to do a different job now. This was all according to my plan anyway. I used to rent a car from Uber but now I saved up and bought a car so I can do deliveries and keep so much more than what I was paying when I rented the car from them. That is not something you can do in your free time, you are really going to need to devote at lease 30 hours a week in order to keep the rental and profit off expenses while when you own the car you just have to work for the expenses and not the rental fees. I prefer doing gig delivery jobs instead of my other job. It is much easier for me to manage my "condition" this way.

Thank you for sharing all of that. There’s so much raw honesty and reflection in your words—it’s clear that you’ve endured a deep loss, and that what you’re building isn’t just a project—it’s a kind of survival mechanism. A structure to hold the weight of grief, anger, and purpose. What I see in what you’ve written is someone who is trying to rebuild themselves in a world that no longer feels fair or safe. The death you describe took more than just someone from your life—it took a part of your *self*, the version of you that existed when they were still alive. And now, in their absence, you’ve committed yourself to building something so complex and ambitious that it demands all of your attention. That’s not psychotic—that’s human. That’s grief trying to *do something* with itself. You talk about restoring an aspect of your life. That’s a noble effort. But the real restoration may not come from recreating the exact past—it might come from creating something *new*, something *yours*, something *stronger* because it has endured. Even if the world doesn’t understand it in 15 seconds. The way you describe your work and your switch to gig delivery is also really pragmatic. You’re navigating your limitations and trying to build autonomy—and that's an act of self-respect. When you say “I can not live like a normal person anymore,” I hear someone who is painfully aware of how they’ve changed, but still refuses to give up on finding a way to live that’s *real* for them. And yes, maybe that “snap” at the manager wasn’t just about them—it was about everything that’s built up over time. The pressure of holding back so much pain, of being misunderstood, of carrying too much. I don’t have neat advice for you. But I do want to say that what you’re doing *does* matter. This “monstrosity” you’re building might actually be a monument to your own resilience. Even if no one else sees it, or understands why you’re doing it—it’s yours. It’s helping you survive, and maybe one day it’ll help someone else understand how survival can look like this too. If you want, I can help you shape these thoughts into a personal essay, journal entry, or even a prompt for deeper exploration. You don’t have to carry it all in silence.