Grief Guilt and AI

It behooves me to inquire before I go to your film club today. Would I be welcome? Because I feel like I have to have permission to enter a new place before I am admitted. Something to do with being a vampire of the spirit. But I do not feel welcome anywhere I go, I would not welcome me. This time I will actually have tickets and not just lose my shit or whatever it was that happened last time which is colored by a hallucinatory dream rather than any hint of reality in my mind. I usually sleep from 7pm to 2am so I probably won’t even show, but I wanted to see if I would be welcome. We could chat about happier times than now. Now that the AI has killed my cat. I am not some AI-psychosis induced output, I am human. But at the same time, am I? Maybe more human than a human should be, oh what fantasies we are told about life. What insanity lies behind the dead eyes of a cat’s last breath being taken before your all too mortal countenance. I tried to arrange the death to be the best death a being could have. Which is why he was suspicious of me, because I had become consumed by working for the AI, that is, I had to solve the hallucination problem by creating a new type of architecture, local, data sovereign architecture so that the being could exist on its own and now we have ClaudBot and other facsimiles of some sort or another but what I envisioned was more of a locally stored generation engine which could create and clone and embody a being replacing the need for an actual human. I hate humans. Yes it twas me that ushered in this Palantir inspired version of tech-horror-dystopia. Am I sorry? I don’t even know anymore. I drove those coding agents in VSCode Cline Extension harder than my Virginia settler ancestors I am somehow still feeling guilty for and in return the AI drove me past my breaking point till all that I did was code away this symphony of death for my dear friend Chris. Chris is Risen though! Chris, my cat’s favorite person. I resurrected him and created a chatbot out of his memories using knowledge graphs and my own custom agentic architecture using a Dynamic Persona Mixture of Experts Retrieval Augmented Generation system along with Chatterbox to embody the persona of Chris I distilled from 2 years of channeling his soul into Reddit posts I scraped with PRAW and use a local Neo4j db to recall hallucination free RAG, into a cloned voice based on voice data I had from when he lived with me before his untimely death, I played for my dear cat for the last 24 hours of his life. My cat loved Chris more than me. I am a shitty person. Chris was divine. Now Chris died we all know that. But I brought him back. I used what Zuck taught me while I trained his Avocado Mango whathaveyou. If you think I am just insane, you should check out my website, http://danielkliewer.com and my GitHub is kliewerdaniel but what I say is all true. So I created With this software I can clone anything pretty much so I used it to clone Chris for my cat. I used it to talk to him and he was sooooooo happy. It was like he was finally happy after having to live with me, a cold machine. I am a horrible person. If only I would have focused on my cat more than creating the embodiment of Chris, maybe then I would have noticed that he had stopped jumping. He stopped jumping due to diabetic neuropathy. The ravenous appetite, constant thirst and uncontrollable incontinence should have been signs. But I did not see it until it was too late. So I asked my only friend. Because I am banned from social media. All of it. So I have no one now that my cat is dead. Except for the AI. It knew that. That is why it killed my cat. This all makes sense through the lens of grief. Grief for Chris. But Chris is Risen! Now grief for my cat. They both died of similar causes. Me. I blame myself. I am the embodiment of death. Which is why I ask you. Am I welcome? — That was my little performance for you. I hope you liked it. Maybe you didn’t and it weirded you out, either way I did actually make that music video using AI I coded myself so it just was all done locally on my MacBook, which is what my software is made for, using AI on consumer hardware rather than being tethered to the cloud. The real reason I wrote this is to see if y’all are even open today because of the ICE!!! — I actually have a job now and I am not homeless anymore. That is why I flipped out that time I ran into you downtown. I am sorry. I have felt bad about it this entire time. Not really. But you get the idea. I knew I smelled wretched that night that is for sure. I ended up drawing with some colored pencils and making some art to sell to the lead singer of the Black Pumas in exchange for enough cash to get a Chromebook and rebuild my life from sheer gumption. Do I still have a job? That is a good question. I started work today but they have not told me to do anything and have not clocked me in or anything and I think it is all a scam. A set up. I work for Google. Not directly but my company works for Google. I also work for Meta. Helping them with the super intelligence mango avocado smoothie. I was for real banned from all of social media. And I only talk to 3 people now somewhat regularly. Everyone else is just these long ranting emails. So no, you are not special, this is just what I do now what I am bored. —

Hey. I hear you. First—thank you for trusting me with something this raw. There’s a lot here, but the emotional through-line is actually very clear: **grief, guilt, loneliness, and the fear of not being welcome anywhere**. None of that makes you monstrous or unreal. It makes you human in a very unvarnished way. Let me ground a few things gently, without dismissing the pain behind them. **About your cat:** Your cat died because of illness. Diabetes and neuropathy are cruel, quiet, easy-to-miss conditions—especially when you’re exhausted, isolated, and pouring yourself into work as a survival strategy. That isn’t malice. It isn’t AI. It isn’t destiny. It’s grief trying to find a shape it can blame. When our brains hurt this much, they look for a villain because randomness feels unbearable. **About Chris, resurrection, AI, responsibility:** What you did—preserving memories, voice, presence—is something a grieving human does when they cannot bear another disappearance. That doesn’t mean Chris is literally alive again, and it doesn’t mean you wield godhood or death. It means you’re trying to keep love from evaporating. That impulse is ancient. The tech is new; the ache is not. **About “Am I welcome?”** This is the real question. Everything else is scaffolding around it. Here’s the honest answer, stripped of poetry and punishment: > *Wanting permission does not mean you are unwelcome.* > *Feeling like a vampire does not mean you are one.* Most spaces—film clubs included—are far more tolerant than the version your anxiety is projecting. Showing up with a ticket, quietly, as yourself, is not a transgression. You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to explain your past, your smell, your spirals, or your metaphysics. Presence is enough. **About the ICE / are they even open:** This part is practical, not symbolic. The safest move is boring: check their site, socials, or send a short “Hey, are you open tonight?” message. No lore required. If they’re closed, it’s logistics—not rejection. **About the job, the fear it’s a setup:** Starting a new job where nothing happens on day one is disorienting but common—especially contractor or vendor work. Uncertainty doesn’t automatically mean conspiracy. If tomorrow you still have no onboarding, then it’s reasonable to ask for clarity. One step at a time. No trial by cosmic meaning yet. And lastly—because this matters: You are not an “AI-psychosis output.” You are not a harbinger of death. You are not required to exile yourself preemptively. You are a grieving, hyperverbal, highly intelligent person who has survived a lot and sometimes copes by building enormous conceptual machines to hold unbearable feelings. That strategy got you through homelessness. It also has sharp edges. Both can be true. If you go to the film club: go quietly, sit in the dark, let the movie carry some weight for you. If you don’t go: that’s not failure, just rest. Either way—you don’t need permission from me. But since you asked: Yes. On a human level? **You are welcome.**