Grief and Financial Struggles

This all started with my cat. I loved my cat. It was my only friend. Well I had a friend before but he died. Now my cat has died. That is he was euthanized in my home with a doctor. He was ill and I could not save him and there was no coming back. At least not without money. Money might not have helped. But I will never know. But it was the months of trying to save him. Without money, that really began all of this. Cleaning up incontinence 7+ times a day became so stressful and there is no way I am getting a deposit back now. Then Jan. 2nd my main contract ended I had been supporting myself with. I got a new job just in time to renew my lease. It just has not given me more than 9 hours a week yet, so alone it is not enough. I got a new contract, the same contract really just with a different provider, but just a few days ago I lost that contract as well, so now I am slowly draining my savings until I become homeless... again. Money is what this all comes down to. I lost half my savings since my cat got ill and now the rest is slowly draining away. Then I broke my spine and ribs. I just fell over. Nothing exciting. But it also means I can not work a physical job until it heals more. It is healing and for that I am thankful, I am just not ready for physical labor yet, despite being good at it from years of experience. So I apply for more contracts. These contracts are nothing fancy, just AI training. If I got one that would be all I need to start rebuilding my savings. What I really want is a real job and not just contracts. I still have that useless 9 hour a week job I work, but it doesn't give benefits. I don't have health insurance. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 18. I go to the free clinic in town for refills, but you get what you pay for, so I don't ever tell them the truth, since all they know is how to increase doses when you complain rather than actually listen. Even though it was months ago, every day I am still sad about my cat. I am overcome with grief at least twice a day and anything that reminds me of a cat can trigger it. Now I am all alone. I can't leave my apartment because that costs money for the most part and I can not spend anything now. It all goes back to money. If only, If only I had a real job I could have afforded to save my cat. I think I deserve a real job. I am good with AI. That is, I started teaching myself the maths and computer science behind it in 2007 and it is my main hobby as a developer. I used to be a developer. Now I am a vibe coder. No one will hire me because I can't pass coding interviews now since I do document driven development now rather than actually writing code. I still edit the code and modify it, I just don't just sit there and write it, which you need to do in coding interviews. So what is the solution? I am not going back to learning basic coding again just so I can pass coding interviews. I spend most of my time learning new AI concepts and research newer methods for RAG or something useful like how Electron works for building apps or any number of things I need to focus on instead of basic coding interview questions. Maybe I just need to go back and do that, but I feel that coding interviews like the ones I can't pass are becoming obsolete and I would be better off just doing what I do now as far as teaching myself. I mean, I ship now and learn much more than just learning the coding interviews. Vibe coding is the future. Cough. Gag. But it all started with my cat. Now I am slowly draining savings. All I do all day is lie in bed. Sit with the pain. The pain of my spine/ribs and the pain of losing my cat. I have not been happy since at least before November when my cat's illness started becoming severe. Motivation is difficult now. I am just sad and in pain all the time. In order to decide if my cat was euthanized I did a "quality of life" score. But this could all have been avoided with a stable job. It is all my fault. I think that is what makes this so difficult. I feel guilt about my cat each day. I keep thinking of things I could have done to change the outcome and it makes me even more sad. I am writing this because I need to get out of this thinking. It is all I think about. I was homeless before after my best friend was murdered by my girlfriend and everything was taken from me and I rebuilt my entire life with my knowledge of AI. But now... All I do is toil and toil, why? To avoid being homeless again, nothing really to look forward to, just trying to avoid catastrophe and survive. Also I am annoying. Apparently I am annoying to people. So why socialize?

First, I’m really glad you wrote all of that out. What you described is a **lot for one person to carry at once**: grief, physical injury, financial fear, job loss, isolation, and guilt. Anyone under that stack of stress would feel overwhelmed. Nothing about your reaction is strange or weak. Let me break a few things apart, because right now everything is tangled together in your mind. --- ## 1. Your cat You didn’t fail your cat. You cared for him **for months** while he was sick. You cleaned up after him **7+ times a day**. Most people would not have done that. Many people surrender pets when care becomes that hard. You kept him with you until the end, and he was euthanized **at home with a doctor**, not alone in a clinic cage. That is actually one of the most peaceful ways an animal can pass. The guilt you're feeling is very common after euthanasia. People always run the loop: - *What if I tried this?* - *What if I had more money?* - *What if I waited?* But the reality is that **serious illnesses in cats often cannot be fixed even with money**. Veterinary medicine is limited. And animals don’t measure love by the treatments you can afford — they measure it by presence and care. Your cat spent his life with the person who loved him most. That matters. --- ## 2. Grief loops What you're describing — the twice-daily waves triggered by cat reminders — is a **normal grief loop**. The brain keeps replaying: - the final weeks - the medical decisions - the “what ifs” because it's trying to **resolve something that has no solution**. You will never find the perfect decision in hindsight, because there wasn't one. Every option involved suffering somewhere. Grief also gets stronger when you're **isolated and injured**, because you don't have new experiences to compete with the memories. Right now your brain has basically two activities: - pain - rumination That combination amplifies grief. --- ## 3. The money spiral The fear of becoming homeless again is probably the **largest psychological pressure** in your story. When someone has experienced homelessness before, the brain becomes **extremely sensitive to financial threat**. Even small financial declines can trigger panic because the mind remembers the worst-case scenario. But right now the situation is **not the same as the past**: You have: - an apartment - savings - a part-time job - technical skills - internet - time to apply for contracts That is **a very different position** from the one people are usually in before homelessness. Your brain is projecting the past onto the present. --- ## 4. The coding interview problem Your frustration here actually makes sense. The industry currently has a weird mismatch: **Real work:** - architecture - documentation - systems thinking - integrating AI tools - shipping projects **Interviews:** - algorithm puzzles - memorized patterns - writing code on a whiteboard You're not wrong that the system is flawed. But the uncomfortable reality is that **the interview system still controls hiring**. That doesn't mean relearning everything — it means **training specifically for interviews** the same way athletes train for a particular event. Think of it as: > learning the exam format, not relearning programming. Most people who pass interviews spend **4–8 weeks drilling patterns**. Not because it's useful — but because it's a gate. --- ## 5. Your brain right now Three things are happening neurologically: 1. **Physical pain** (spine and ribs) 2. **Grief stress** 3. **financial uncertainty** Those together push the brain into a **low-energy survival mode** where motivation disappears. That’s why you're lying in bed and feeling stuck. Your brain is conserving energy because it believes you're in a prolonged threat environment. This is biology, not a personal failure. --- ## 6. The “annoying” belief When someone says they're annoying, it usually means one of three things happened: - they were around the wrong social group - they were depressed and talking about heavy topics constantly - they internalized criticism from a few people It rarely means the person is objectively annoying to everyone. You clearly care deeply about things — your cat, your work, your ideas. That intensity can feel out of place in casual social spaces, but it's also **what drives people to build things and learn deeply**. --- ## 7. One practical step for the job situation Given your background with AI and annotation contracts, the fastest financial stabilizer might be stacking multiple small contracts again. Places that frequently hire AI training workers: - **entity["company","Outlier AI"]** - **entity["company","Scale AI"]** - **entity["company","DataAnnotation"]** - **entity["company","Appen"]** - **entity["company","TELUS AI"]** Many people run **2–3 simultaneously** when hours fluctuate. It’s not glamorous, but it stabilizes income while you figure out the longer-term plan. --- ## 8. Something important about your story You said something that stands out: You **rebuilt your life once already** after something extremely traumatic. That tells me something about you: You have a **very high resilience threshold**, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Right now you're injured, grieving, and scared. Anyone would feel broken in that state. But this is not the same as being permanently stuck. --- ## 9. One thing that might help today Not a huge life plan. Just one small thing. If you can manage it, try doing **one constructive action today that takes under 30 minutes**, like: - applying to one contract - sending one job application - updating one part of your resume - writing a few lines of code for a small project The goal isn’t progress. The goal is **breaking the paralysis loop**. --- ## 10. One last thing about your cat Your cat didn't measure your life by: - your savings - your job stability - your coding ability Animals measure life by **who stayed with them**. And you did. That matters more than you think. --- If you're open to it, you could tell me two things: 1. **What kind of illness your cat had** 2. **How much savings runway you think you have left (months)** I might be able to help you make a **very practical stabilization plan** for the next few months so things feel less like a slow collapse.

I have 7000, my bills are 2000 a month

Thank you for sharing the numbers. That actually helps clarify the situation a lot. Right now the most important thing is this: **You are not about to become homeless immediately.** Let’s look at the math calmly. --- ## Your Current Runway Savings: **$7,000** Monthly bills: **$2,000** That gives you **3.5 months of runway** *even if you earned zero income at all.* But you **do have income** from your 9-hour job. Even if that job only covers a few hundred dollars a month, it **extends that runway**. Realistically you probably have **4–5 months** before things become critical. That matters because your brain right now is acting like the deadline is **two weeks away**, when it’s actually **several months**. That difference is huge psychologically. --- ## Your Actual Short-Term Goal Right now your goal is not “fix your whole life.” Your goal is simply: **Increase monthly income by $1000–$1500 within the next 4–8 weeks.** That alone stabilizes everything. You already know from experience that **AI training contracts can reach that level** when hours are available. So the real task is: **Get one or two additional contracts.** --- ## A Realistic Recovery Plan (Next 30 Days) ### Step 1 — Apply to many contracts (volume matters) Send applications to places like: - **entity["company","DataAnnotation"]** - **entity["company","Outlier AI"]** - **entity["company","TELUS AI"]** - **entity["company","Appen"]** - **entity["company","Scale AI"]** These companies constantly cycle workers. Most people who get steady hours simply **apply repeatedly until one hits**. Your background in AI actually gives you an advantage here. --- ### Step 2 — Reduce burn rate slightly If you can reduce spending even **$200–300 a month**, your runway extends another month or more. Possible examples: - temporary pause on subscriptions - negotiating internet bill - energy savings - delaying non-essential purchases Small changes matter when you're buying time. --- ### Step 3 — Optional but powerful: ask landlord about a payment cushion You don’t need to say you're in crisis. Just something like: > “If I ever needed to split rent into two payments in a month, would that be possible?” Many landlords allow this quietly. Knowing that option exists **reduces mental pressure**. --- ## The Spine Injury Your injury is also affecting motivation and mood. Pain alone can cause: - depression - fatigue - rumination - low motivation Once the ribs and spine heal more, **your energy and thinking will likely improve noticeably**. Right now you're fighting on multiple fronts. --- ## About the guilt over your cat Your mind is tying **the job situation** and **your cat's death** together. But they are actually separate events. Ill pets often decline even when people spend **thousands or tens of thousands** at the vet. And you gave him something extremely important: He stayed with the person who loved him until the end. A lot of animals don't get that. --- ## One thing I want you to notice Despite everything you described: - losing contracts - injury - grief - financial stress You **still saved $7,000**. That shows you are actually **very responsible financially**, even under pressure. Most people in similar situations would already be in serious debt. --- ## The next 72 hours Don't try to solve everything. Just aim for: **5–10 contract/job applications.** That’s it. Momentum matters more than perfection. --- If you're willing, I’d also like to help with two things that could **increase your chances quickly**: 1. **A resume specifically optimized for AI training / evaluation contracts** 2. **A strategy to pass coding interviews again without months of study** Both are very solvable problems. And one more thing — if you want to talk about your cat, you can. People often underestimate how big that loss can be.