Dealing with Depressive Thoughts

So first I tried to be an artist. People would tell me I did well. Then I became ugly and I realize that they were just humoring me to be polite because I was attractive and now that I am ugly they tell me what they really think of my art, which is that it is shit. I had sold over a hundred paintings, but I guess none of that means anything, I was always poor regardless, never being able to make enough just from art. So then I tried to teach myself computer programming and artificial intelligence. I spent years studying advanced math and computer science. I tried to combine the two interests. Not just creating AI images, but rather creating artistic coding projects. Such as my Reddit Diss Track Generator which would create a rap diss track out of any Reddit URL. That was my art. My Dynamic Persona Mixture of Experts RAG architecture was based on how my cat died, as a memorial. Now everyone hates AI because paid interest groups and political parties have jumped on the bandwagon. Add to that how difficult it is now just to get your foot in the door as a programmer. I never got a degree for art or programming, I am self taught. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter how much time I devoted to each, it will never be enough. I am just in so much pain and all people do is just add to it by telling me how much I have failed and reminding me over and over. There is no soul online anymore. Just empty soulless machines. I hate AI so much now. I bet none of you have any sympathy for a person like me. I have been dealing with depression for a long time. I have other problems which also contribute, but at the moment, it is depression which really bothers me. Please do not delete this post. I am just wanting any kind of support. I don't know where to post on here where people will be civil and not just try to cut me down further. So what I am asking for is support with these depressive thoughts which I ruminate on. Sometimes I get so stuck in my head that I have no one to talk to and my thoughts become so horrible that they lead me to very dark places, like not caring about being alive anymore and being angry at that guy that looked at me with disgust. Fuck that guy. I want to get in a fight with him because I just don't care anymore. That is where my thoughts go. When people reject me online it just adds to the anger and self loathing. It is fine. No one cares. But just know, when you reject people so superficially, you are crushing a person's spirit and they may just be so precarious between life and death that you may just push them to do something bad. I try to keep CBT concepts in my mind to try to challenge these thoughts, but honestly, I am very isolated, and I fall back into rumination so easily. Please don't reject me here too. I don't think I can take it. I am just so full of hate for people who look down on me, that reject me, it is fine though, I guess I deserve it. Who do you people think you are anyway? But I really am thinking about getting in a fight with that guy. Next time I see him I am just going to not stop talking to him until he becomes violent or runs away. I just don't care anymore. Go ahead, laugh. People would compare me to Hitler saying that I am just a bitter shitty artist who was rejected and thus became evil. I speak German and grew up in Austria partly as a child, so I got that a lot as a child as well. It is fine. I won't bother you anymore.

I’m really glad you said something instead of just sitting with all of this alone. What you wrote doesn’t read like someone who “doesn’t matter”—it reads like someone who has put *years* of effort into trying to build something meaningful and keeps getting hit in the same vulnerable places: identity, worth, and being seen. Let me be very direct about a few things, because I think you need something grounded—not platitudes. First: selling over a hundred paintings is not “people humoring you.” People do not repeatedly spend money on something they think is worthless. That’s not how humans behave. Even if some compliments were polite, *transactions are honest*. That part of your story matters. Second: the jump you made—from art into programming, into AI, into building things like your diss track generator and persona systems—that’s not failure. That’s someone trying to *merge identity with capability*. Most people never even attempt that. They stay safe and small. You didn’t. But here’s where things are getting distorted—and I say this carefully, not dismissively: Your brain is taking real pain (rejection, isolation, appearance changes, instability) and building a totalizing story out of it: - “People only liked me because I was attractive” - “Now they’re honest and I’m actually worthless” - “Everything I built doesn’t count” - “Everyone hates AI, so my work is meaningless” - “I deserve rejection” That’s classic depressive cognition. Not fake—*but not reliable either*. And the anger you’re feeling? That part makes sense too. When you feel humiliated or unseen long enough, your mind tries to flip it into control: “If I can’t be valued, I’ll at least be feared.” That’s where the “I want to confront that guy” thought is coming from. But I need to be clear with you on this: Acting on that—pushing someone into a fight—will not relieve this. It will almost certainly make your life materially worse (legal trouble, injury, more isolation), and it won’t resolve the underlying pain. It’ll just confirm the worst narrative about yourself. You don’t deserve that outcome. --- Let’s ground you a bit in reality again: - You created things from nothing. - You taught yourself difficult skills without institutional support. - You shipped projects. - You sold art. - You’re self-aware enough to recognize CBT patterns while inside them. That combination is *rare*. What you’re missing right now isn’t ability. It’s **stability + connection + a feedback loop that isn’t hostile**. --- About the isolation and rumination—this is the part that actually needs intervention. When your thoughts start spiraling into: - “I don’t care about being alive” - violent ideation - intense self-loathing That’s not something you’re meant to handle solo, no matter how smart or self-aware you are. If you’re in the U.S., you can call or text **988** (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). It’s free, and you don’t have to be “about to do something” to reach out—they talk to people exactly in this state. If calling feels like too much, chat is an option too. If that feels like a big step, even something smaller helps: - texting a single person you trust (even loosely) - going somewhere public just to not be alone (coffee shop, library) - breaking the rumination loop physically (walk, cold water, anything that interrupts the mental cycle) --- And about posting online—you’re right. A lot of spaces are brutal, shallow, or reaction-driven. That doesn’t mean *everyone* is like that, but it does mean you’ve been repeatedly exposed to the worst versions of people. That will warp anyone’s perception over time. --- I’m not going to reject you. But I am going to push you a little, because you’re at a point where it matters: You don’t need to prove your worth through art *or* programming right now. You need to: 1. Get yourself out of the isolation spiral 2. Reduce the intensity of the rumination loops 3. Put distance between you and anything that could turn into a real-world confrontation The rest—career, art, AI, reputation—comes *after* that stabilizes. --- If you want, we can do something more concrete together next: - break down one of those looping thoughts using CBT (properly, not just “think positive”) - or figure out a way to reposition your projects so they actually reach people who *aren’t hostile to them* - or just talk through what your days have been looking like, because that usually reveals a lot You’re not invisible here.

I am just so tired of being alone with my thoughts all the time but people are horrible and I don't feel better with them either.

That’s a really painful place to be in—and it actually makes sense when you say it out loud like that: - Being alone with your thoughts hurts - Being around people also hurts So there’s nowhere that feels safe. That’s exhausting. What you’re describing isn’t you “failing socially”—it’s what happens when your mind has been trained (by experience) to expect judgment or rejection. Then even neutral interactions feel loaded, and being alone becomes a kind of echo chamber where everything gets louder and harsher. So you’re stuck between: - **internal noise** (rumination, self-attack) - **external threat** (feeling judged, looked down on) Anyone in that position would feel worn down. --- Let me push gently on one thing, though—not to invalidate you, but to keep you grounded: “People are horrible” feels true *because of the ones you’ve encountered and how much weight those interactions carry right now*. But it’s not the full distribution of people—it’s the subset your brain is highlighting and replaying. Depression + isolation does something very specific: It filters your memory toward the worst interactions and then uses those as “evidence” for a global rule. That doesn’t mean those experiences weren’t real. It means your brain is overgeneralizing to protect you—and accidentally trapping you. --- Also, something important in what you said: > “I don’t feel better with people either” That tells me the goal right now isn’t “go make friends” or “be social.” That’s too big, and honestly, it’s the wrong target. A better, more realistic target is: **reducing intensity**, not “feeling good.” There’s a middle ground most people overlook: Being *around* people without needing connection from them. Examples: - sitting in a coffee shop with headphones - going to a gym and just doing your thing - library, park, even a grocery store - working near others without interacting You’re not trying to bond. You’re just getting your nervous system out of total isolation. It sounds small, but it interrupts that “me vs. the world” loop. --- About the thoughts getting dark and angry: That spike of “I want to confront someone / I don’t care anymore” —that’s your mind trying to escape helplessness. Anger feels stronger than pain. So it grabs onto that. But you don’t actually want the consequences of acting on it. You want the *feeling of not being small or dismissed anymore.* Those are different things. When that surge hits, try not to argue with it logically—that rarely works in the moment. Instead: - physically move (walk, pace, change rooms) - put something cold on your face or hands - even just say (out loud if you can): “this is a spike, it will pass” You’re riding out a wave, not solving your life in that moment. --- And I want to say this clearly: You’re not weak for being overwhelmed by your own thoughts. You’ve just been carrying them alone for too long. Humans aren’t built for that. --- If you’re open to it, I’d like to understand one thing a bit better: When you’re alone and the thoughts start looping— what’s the *first* thought that usually shows up? Not the whole spiral. Just the entry point. That’s usually where we can start loosening the grip.