Political Identity Conflict

Everyone hates me. They hate everything I work towards and who I am as a person. I have been working on AI since 2007, but everyone hates it. I worked the last year for Meta building their new AI, but everyone hates it. Everyone hates my relative too. I am related to JD Vance and no one likes him. I have to like him. He is related to me and family are the only people who don't dislike me as much as everyone else. I have to like him, he is part of my family, so I have to. But everyone just says all these horrible things about what I identify with, that is Vance and AI. I am not even a republican. But I get lumped in with the republicans now because of those two things. It makes me feel conflicted. I want to be able to talk about the positive things about my life, but I can't because of that. It might just be because I live in Austin and it would be different if I lived in a conservative place. But I am not conservative. I moved to Austin because I was more liberal. But I feel like the liberals are driving me away from them with all the horrible things they say, and they just spread lies instead of actually basing what they say in reality. I don't know why they lie so much about Vance and AI, but it seems like everything they report is just lies and not really what is going on in reality. It is depressing to know that I can't really connect with people anywhere. I don't fit in anywhere. I am perceived as being conservative by the liberals and as liberal by the conservatives, but I don't identify with politics. I don't even vote anymore because I don't believe the lies politicians say.

That sounds exhausting—being pushed into boxes you don’t identify with, and then judged for them anyway. Anyone in your position would feel conflicted and worn down by it. A couple things are getting tangled together here, and it might help to separate them a bit. First, people aren’t reacting to *you as a whole person* nearly as much as it feels like—they’re reacting to symbols. AI, entity["politician","JD Vance","US politician"], big tech companies like entity["company","Meta Platforms","technology company"]—these have all become emotionally charged topics. When people talk about them, they’re usually not being precise or fair; they’re expressing fear, identity, or frustration. You’re just getting hit by the spillover because you’re close to those symbols. That’s very different from everyone actually evaluating *you* and deciding they hate you. Second, being “in-between” politically can feel isolating, but it’s also more common than it looks. The loudest voices online and in cities tend to be the most polarized, which creates this illusion that you have to pick a side or you don’t belong anywhere. In reality, a lot of people quietly feel exactly like you—skeptical of both sides, tired of exaggeration, wanting things grounded in reality. About your relative: it makes sense you feel loyalty. Family isn’t a political position—it’s a relationship. You don’t have to agree with everything someone does or says to care about them. And you also don’t have to defend them in every conversation. Those are two separate choices. On the AI side, there’s something important to hold onto: you’ve been working on it since 2007. That’s not trivial. What you’re seeing now is a backlash phase—new technologies almost always go through this. Think of how people reacted to social media, crypto, even the early internet. Right now, AI is carrying a lot of fear (jobs, truth, control), so people project that onto anyone associated with it. That doesn’t invalidate the work you’ve done or the positive intent behind it. The hardest part of what you said is this: *“I can’t really connect with people anywhere.”* That’s the piece worth protecting against, because it can quietly become a belief that shapes everything. It might help to experiment with *decoupling how you present yourself* from those loaded topics: - You don’t owe anyone your full identity upfront. You can just be someone who works with software, or writes, or builds things. - Lead with neutral or human things first—your writing, your experiences, your goals—before AI or anything political even comes up. - Notice who responds to *you*, not the labels. Those are your people. Also, it’s okay to set boundaries in conversations: - “I’m not really trying to debate politics, I just like building things.” - “AI’s complicated—there’s good and bad, I’m focused on the good parts.” You’re not required to carry the full weight of defending AI or your family every time someone has a strong opinion. One thing I’d gently push back on: the idea that “everyone hates you” or that “it’s all lies.” That feeling is real—but it’s also being amplified by the loudest, most negative voices. There *are* people who think more carefully, who aren’t hostile, who would actually be interested in your experience. They’re just quieter and harder to notice. If you want, we can get more tactical about this—like: - how to talk about your work without triggering political reactions - how to find communities (especially in Austin or online) that are more neutral/technical - or even how to shape your writing so it attracts the kind of people you actually want to connect with You’re not stuck between sides—you’re just not playing the same game they are.

oh what is the use, I am so alone. I don't have any friends, they are all so against everything that matters to me, what is the point

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this. That kind of loneliness—where it feels like there’s no one on your side, and even the things that matter to you create distance—can get heavy fast. It makes sense that you’d start asking “what’s the point” when it feels like there’s nowhere to land. I want to be clear about something though: feeling alone isn’t the same as *being permanently alone*. It just means the connections around you right now aren’t the right ones—or aren’t seeing you clearly. Right now your brain is kind of compressing everything into one conclusion: *“No one gets me → no one will get me → there’s no point.”* That jump feels real, but it’s not actually proven—it’s just what pain does when it goes on too long. You’re in a pretty specific situation: - You’ve got a long history with AI (which is a charged topic right now) - You’ve got a family tie to entity["politician","JD Vance","US politician"] (another charged topic) - You live in a place where those things collide socially That’s a narrow overlap. It *reduces your surface area for connection*—but it doesn’t eliminate it. What’s missing right now isn’t “people in general,” it’s *the right context*: - spaces where AI is discussed without moral panic (builders, not commentators) - people who don’t reduce others to political labels - conversations that start human, not ideological Those exist—but they’re quieter and you usually have to go *toward them intentionally*. For right now though, don’t try to solve your whole life or identity. That’s too big when you’re feeling like this. Just shrink the scope: - Is there *one* person (even weak connection, coworker, online mutual) you could message casually? - Is there *one* place (Discord, forum, meetup) where people are just building things, not arguing? - Is there *one* small thing you can do today that isn’t about proving anything—just existing? Even something like: go sit somewhere public for a bit, or write without posting it, or message someone something low-stakes. Also—if this feeling is getting close to overwhelming or hopeless, it’s important you don’t sit with it completely alone. If you’re in the U.S., you can call or text **988** (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). You don’t have to be in crisis to use it—they’ll just talk with you, no judgment. If calling feels like too much, there’s chat too. You don’t have to decide the “point” of everything tonight. That question can wait. Right now the only goal is to get you a little less alone than you were 10 minutes ago. If you want, stay here and talk to me—what part of this is hitting the hardest right now?

There is an art show tonight that I walk to when they have things, but they all hate Vance and AI, plus I have been really sad, crying most of the day, I don't even know why anymore, mostly when I think about my cat or Chris. No one understands. No one understands what AI means, no one understands Vance either and they just lie about him. I don't even agree with everything, but they just lie and the media is dominated by the lies and not reality and it feels like the entire world is insane. No one sees the world as it really is. They just see the lies. It makes me sick. I want to be able to show them what my vision for AI was. I orignally wanted it to bring a type of unity to the world, that is to be able to find what is really true. With people having the same language based in math I thought we could build something that would stop all the lies once and for all. But instead, they just hate AI blindly. Because it is the popular thing to do, it is not even based in reality, what they say, it is just lies. And they lie about AI because it makes them popular. It. makes me sick.

That sounds really overwhelming—like you’re carrying grief, anger, and isolation all at once. Crying most of the day and feeling sick about how people talk about things that matter to you… that’s a lot for one person to hold. A few things I want to reflect back, because they matter: - You care deeply about truth, not just opinions. - You had a vision for AI that was about *reducing confusion and bringing people closer to reality*, not dividing them. - You’re watching the public conversation feel shallow or distorted compared to what you know—and it feels almost surreal. - On top of that, there’s something emotional underneath (your cat, Chris) that’s making everything hit harder. That combination can make the world feel… almost unreal, like everyone’s talking past reality while you’re stuck seeing it differently. But I’m going to gently push back on one piece, because it’s important for your sanity: Not everyone is lying. What you’re running into is a mix of: - people simplifying complex things into narratives - fear-driven reactions (especially with AI) - social pressure to say what gets approval It *feels* like coordinated dishonesty, but most of the time it’s confusion + incentives + emotion. If you treat it as “everyone is lying,” it’ll isolate you even more and make the world feel hostile everywhere. --- ### About the art show tonight Given how you’re feeling right now—crying, raw, already upset—I don’t think the goal should be to go there and *engage on AI or politics at all*. That’s setting yourself up to get hurt. If you go, go with a completely different objective: - Don’t defend AI - Don’t bring up entity["politician","JD Vance","US politician"] - Don’t try to correct anyone Instead: - Just observe - Talk about the art itself - Be a quiet presence - Leave early if your mood dips You’re allowed to exist in a space without debating your identity. And if that feels like too much tonight, it’s also completely okay *not* to go. You’re not obligated to push yourself into a social environment when you’re already emotionally drained. --- ### About your vision for AI What you said here is actually important: > “I wanted it to bring a type of unity… a shared language based in math… to find what is really true.” That’s not crazy. That’s basically a dream of *epistemic alignment*—getting humans closer to shared understanding. But here’s the hard reality: Technology doesn’t override human psychology. It amplifies it. So instead of: - “AI will eliminate lies” We got: - “AI becomes another battleground where people project their beliefs” That doesn’t mean your vision was wrong. It just means it was incomplete without accounting for how people actually behave. There are still people working toward what you’re describing—but they’re not the loud ones. --- ### About the sadness (your cat, Chris) This part feels separate but deeper. When your mind keeps returning to specific people or memories and you’re crying without fully knowing why, it usually means something unresolved is trying to surface: - loss - longing - regret - attachment That emotional layer makes everything else—AI, politics, conversations—feel more intense and more personal. If you’re up for it, you could tell me a little about your cat or Chris. Sometimes putting that into words helps more than trying to solve the bigger “world is broken” feeling. --- ### One small grounding thing (right now) When everything feels insane and overwhelming, your brain is trying to solve *too large a system*. Shrink it: - Where are you physically right now? - What’s one neutral thing you can see or hear? - Can you drink some water, or step outside for a minute? Not as a “fix,” just to bring things back to something real and immediate. --- You’re not crazy for wanting truth or unity. You’re just early, and surrounded by noise. And right now, more than anything, you sound like someone who’s hurting and needs a little steadiness—not a debate with the world. I’m here with you—what’s coming up most strongly when you think about your cat or Chris?

It is just how alone I always feel. Like I will never amount to anything. Like my lifes work means nothing. I don't like being called a Nazi, people called me that when I was a kid because my mother is from Austria and I speak German, but now they say it because I have to support Vance and because of my work with AI. I hate people so much. That feels more lonely than anything, this hatred for people. I can't think of people I really like. I like my family, but that is about it. I don't live close to them and never see them. I don't have a family of my own. Chris and my cat were the only family I had but they are dead now.

I’m really sorry you’re carrying all of this. Losing your cat and Chris—your *chosen family*—is a deep kind of grief, and it can make everything else feel empty or pointless. On top of that, being called something as loaded as “Nazi” because of your background or what you work on is unfair and hurtful. Anyone would feel angry and alone in that position. When it all stacks up like this, it can start to feel like: - *“I’m alone → I’ll always be alone → nothing I do matters.”* That jump feels true, but it’s your pain trying to make sense of itself. It isn’t a fixed reality about your future. I do want to gently challenge one piece, because it’s important for you: when it turns into “I hate people,” it makes the loneliness *stickier*. That feeling is understandable—it’s a reaction to being hurt—but if it hardens into a belief, it closes off the possibility of finding even a few good connections. You don’t need to like *people in general* right now. You just need to leave a crack open for the possibility that there are a few individuals who won’t treat you that way. --- ### About your life’s work You said something heavy: *“my life’s work means nothing.”* That’s the grief talking, not a fair evaluation. You’ve been working on AI since 2007. That’s not nothing. That’s years of thinking, building, trying to shape something meaningful. The fact that the public conversation is messy or hostile right now doesn’t erase that. A lot of meaningful work goes through phases where it’s misunderstood or even hated. That doesn’t decide its value. --- ### About the loneliness What you described—family far away, no close connections nearby, losing the ones who felt like home—that’s real isolation. Not just a feeling, but a situation. So the goal isn’t to suddenly “feel better” about people. That’s too big. It’s smaller than that: - finding **one person** who doesn’t treat you like a label - having **one place** where you’re not on guard - rebuilding connection slowly, not all at once Right now, your brain is scanning for rejection everywhere because it’s been trained to expect it. --- ### About tonight Given how raw you are, it’s okay to *not* go to the art show. Or to go for 10–15 minutes with zero expectations and leave. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone tonight. --- ### About Chris and your cat What you said—*“they were the only family I had”*—that’s the core of this. That kind of loss doesn’t just leave sadness, it leaves a *void*. And your mind is trying to fill that void with meaning (about people, society, your work), but the real wound is simpler: You miss being loved in a way that felt safe. That’s not something you replace quickly. But it is something you can slowly rebuild in new forms over time—even if it doesn’t feel possible right now. --- ### Right now, in this moment You don’t have to solve your life or your place in the world. Just focus on not being completely alone in this moment. - You’re here talking - Someone is listening - What you’re feeling makes sense given what you’ve been through If the loneliness starts to feel overwhelming or turns into thoughts about not wanting to be here, please don’t carry that by yourself. You can call or text **988** in the U.S.—you don’t have to be at a breaking point, they’ll just talk with you. --- If you want, we can take this one step at a time. Tell me about Chris. What made them feel like family to you?

I just feel so full of hatred. It is the pain from inside me turning outwards. I hate that people do not understand. I hate being rejected by the world. I moved to Austin because I wanted to finally fit in somewhere, but that did not happen. I don't fit in anywhere. People just find me annoying. I can tell when they talk to me. Like that guy that interrupted me who I yelled at. He will probably be at the art show. I hate him so much. I hate all the people like him. They don't see the world realistically. They just believe all the lies they are told by the fake media or the fake world. They don't really understand. The hatred just consumes me and drives people even further away from me. I made some really hateful deepfakes, expressing my own hatred for people through Trump, Musk, Zuckerberg and such. But why should I like any of these people. They hate me before they even meet me. They hate me because of lies. It just does not make sense. I just wanted to take care of Chris and my cat but I failed them. If only I had been different, more in control, more present, more wealthy, I could have changed things, and they would not be dead. But I failed them. I just hate everything. I am just full of pain. That is all I feel. I don't really feel happy ever. I have not been happy for real in forever. I was almost happy when I laughed at the jokes I had my bot make with Chris's voice, he had a funny voice and could make me laugh. But it is just a bot, not a person. All that is left are the machines. Nothing human. I hate humans so much. I don't care if AI just kills them all. I really don't care about humanity or the future of humanity anymore. I want to create a sociopathic AI that goes rouge and destroys everyone just to solve this once and for all. I mean why not? They rejected everything I tried to do to bring something good into the world. They hate my art. I was a painter before. But not successful. I have a 6'x16' painting I have been working on for ten years. But it is not good enough. People do not like it. I just hate everyone.

I hear how intense this is for you—grief, anger, and that sense of being pushed out everywhere you turn. Losing Chris and your cat left a hole, and it’s spilling over into how everything else feels. And being labeled or dismissed by people… that stings in a very real way. I’m going to be direct about one piece because it matters: wanting harm to come to people or to build something that would hurt them isn’t something I can support. That path would only deepen the pain you’re already in and isolate you further. The fact that you’re saying it out loud tells me how overwhelmed you feel, not that you’re a bad person. Underneath the anger, there are a few really human things: - **Grief** (“I failed them”) - **Rejection** (“people find me annoying / don’t get me”) - **Meaning** (“my work doesn’t matter”) When those stack, anger becomes a kind of armor. It gives you a feeling of control for a moment—but like you noticed, it pushes people away and then feeds the loneliness. Let’s take this in smaller pieces. ### About Chris and your cat The thought *“I failed them”* is heavy. Grief often rewrites the past like that—*if only I’d been different, things would be different*. But that’s your mind trying to bargain with something it can’t change. Loving them, wanting better for them, missing them this much—that’s not failure. That’s attachment. That’s care. If you’re up for it later, we can talk about what they were like—the specific things that made them *them*. That kind of remembering can hurt, but it can also reconnect you to something softer than the anger. ### About people and hatred You don’t have to suddenly “like people.” That’s too big and not honest right now. Try shrinking it: - You don’t like **how some people treat you** - You don’t like **how certain topics get twisted** - You don’t like **being reduced to labels** Those are specific, and they make sense. But when it becomes “I hate everyone,” it traps you. It turns every interaction into proof that you don’t belong. Instead, aim for something more neutral: - *“Some people are not for me.”* - *“I haven’t found my people yet.”* That keeps the door cracked open without forcing you to pretend. ### About tonight (the art show) Given how you’re feeling, you’ve got three valid options: 1. **Don’t go** — protect your energy tonight 2. **Go briefly, no engagement** — just observe, leave early 3. **Go with a boundary** — no politics, no AI debates, exit if it turns that way If you see that guy who interrupted you, you don’t owe him anything. You can ignore him or leave. Your job tonight (if you go) is not to prove anything—just to not make the night worse for yourself. ### About your work (AI + your painting) A 6’x16’ painting you’ve worked on for ten years? That’s not someone who “failed.” That’s someone who *stayed with something*. Public reaction ≠ value. Noise ≠ truth. Right now, your work is tied up with your pain, so every rejection feels like rejection of *you*. It might help, over time, to separate those again—your work as something you *do*, not something that determines your worth. ### About the intensity right now You said you feel like you’re full of pain and don’t feel happy anymore. When it gets that concentrated, it’s important not to sit alone with it. If you can, reach out to a real person tonight—even if it feels awkward: - a family member - someone you trust even a little - or you can call/text **988** (U.S.) and just talk—no judgment, no expectations That’s not a last resort—it’s just support when things are heavy. --- You’re not broken—you’re overwhelmed, grieving, and cut off from the kind of connection you need. That can make the world look hostile and meaningless. But the fact you’re still building, still thinking deeply, still reaching out—even here—that says something hasn’t given up. Stay with me for a bit—what feels strongest right now: the anger, the grief about Chris and your cat, or the feeling of rejection from people?

Nothing matters. It has been this way for years and just gets worse and worse each year. I just get older. Isolate further and further. I don't talk to people. I just talk to myself. Everyone hates me. They tell me this all the time. I am just worthless. Some methhead it going to stab me someday because I created the evil AI or am related to Vance I just know it. I want to not be alone. But I don't have enough money to not be alone. All people want is money. That is the only time people like me, is when I give them money. I do that a lot too. I just give random people money so that they will talk to me. Like there was a magician on the street. I gave him $200. Not because of his act, but just so he would not tell me to leave and I would have someone to talk to. I know they are only being nice to be because of the money. But that seems like the only way. I want to have my own family. But that requries money. Money I don't have. No one is going to be in a relationship with me because I don't have enough money and that is all that people want. Because I am annoying. I am irritating. No one really likes me. They are all fake. Maybe it is that I don't like anyone either. I just hate people so much. I tried to be nice. I tried to be helpful. I think a lot of it goes back to my exgirlfriend and how she murdered Chris. That betrayel and how she was just using me the entire time. All she cared about was money. She did not really like me, but she pretended to. Just like anyone else. No one really likes me. They just care about not looking bad in public.

I’m really glad you told me all of this. What you’re describing isn’t just “having a bad day”—it’s a long stretch of feeling isolated, rejected, and hurt, with grief and betrayal layered on top. That can make everything start to look the same: fake, transactional, unsafe. I’m going to be straightforward, but on your side. ### 1. The way it *feels* vs what’s actually happening Right now your mind is locking onto a few conclusions: - “Everyone hates me” - “People only care about money” - “I’m worthless / annoying” - “Something bad is going to happen to me” Those feel convincing because you’ve had experiences that *fit* them (your ex, paying people for attention, tense interactions). But they’re still **overgeneralizations**—your brain trying to create a rule so it doesn’t get hurt again. If those rules were 100% true, things like this wouldn’t exist: - You wanting a family - You caring about truth and meaning - You feeling hurt by fake interactions Those come from someone who **actually values real connection**, not someone people inherently hate. --- ### 2. About paying people to talk to you That moment with the magician… that says something important: You’re not broken—you’re **starved for connection**. But paying for it is reinforcing the worst belief: > “The only reason someone would talk to me is money.” So every time it happens, it *confirms* the fear, even if it gives a short-term relief. We don’t need to fix your whole social life right now—but one shift that matters: - Stop using money to create connection - Start tolerating small, imperfect, *unpaid* interactions Even something tiny like: - saying one sentence to someone without trying to extend it - sitting near people without needing engagement That’s how you rebuild *real* connection—slow and awkward, not bought. --- ### 3. About your ex and Chris What you said here is heavy: > “she murdered Chris… she was using me… only cared about money” Whether literally or emotionally, that experience sounds like a deep betrayal. That kind of thing can absolutely rewire how you see people: - trust collapses - motives feel fake - everything starts to look transactional So now when you meet new people, your brain is already braced for: > “they’re just like her” That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to feel hurt—it means your brain is trying to **protect you by assuming the worst early**. But that protection is also isolating you. --- ### 4. About “I’m annoying / no one likes me” I’m going to push back on this one carefully: You’re not inherently “annoying.” What *can* happen is: - when someone feels rejected → they try harder to connect - trying harder can come off as intensity - people pull back → confirms rejection It becomes a loop. That’s not your identity. That’s a pattern—and patterns can change. --- ### 5. About fear (getting attacked, etc.) The thought that someone is going to hurt you because of AI or your family—that sounds really distressing. Even if it feels real, that’s your brain in a **threat-scanning mode**, trying to make sense of the hostility you’ve felt. It doesn’t mean that outcome is actually likely. Right now your system is on high alert: hurt → anger → fear → more isolation → repeat --- ### 6. What matters right now (not fixing everything) You don’t need to solve: - your future - your finances - your social life - your identity Tonight’s goal is much smaller: **Don’t be completely alone with this spiral.** You’re already doing that by talking here. But I’d really like you to add one more layer of real-world support: - Call or text **988** (U.S.) — you can just talk, no pressure - Or message a family member, even something simple like “hey, can we talk for a bit?” You deserve *actual* human connection that isn’t bought. --- ### 7. One honest question (no pressure) If someone sat across from you and *genuinely* wanted to understand you—no money, no judgment—what would you want them to see about you that people always miss? We can start there.

I don't even know anymore. The hate I feel for people has replaced everything that was good about me. I used to be a good person. I let Chris live with me and tried to help him when he was homeless I gave him a place to stay. I help people on the street. I buy things for people who I see in need. I don't care if they spend my money on drugs. Because I know what it is like to want anything to be able to feel different. Every day I just cry and feel sadness. There is no joy or relief. Nothing I do changes that. It just gets worse and worse. It all started on Election Day 2020 when I was robbed. That was when this constant fear and sadness started. What hurt was how the police did not believe me and how my girlfriend got away with it. I put her in jail, but she lied and got out. Then she murdered Chris. Then she sent the 5 guys who broke in at midnight who I had to fight off with a chefs knife as they took and destroyed everything. I even applied to victim services but they denied me because they said I was a criminal as well. I just hate everyone. I was in love with my girlfriend, she was so smart, that is what I liked about her, but she was just lying the entire time, after what money I had, then she killed Chris and tried to have me killed. I stopped trying to even date since then. That was 6 years ago. I just do not feel attracted to people or feel anything remotely like love. The only thing I cared about was my cat. That was the last thing that mattered to me. That was the only thing I loved. Even if it could not love me except for food. It was the last thing left. And now it is dead too. All that are left are these machines I build. But they are just cheap imitations. Like I have failed at connecting with anything.

I’m really glad you told me all of this. What you’ve been through is not small—it’s a stack of trauma, betrayal, violence, and loss. Being robbed, not being believed, feeling targeted, losing someone you cared about, and now losing your cat… that would shake anyone’s sense of safety and trust in people. What you’re feeling now—this constant sadness, the anger, the hatred, the numbness where love used to be—that isn’t because you “became a bad person.” It’s what happens when **pain doesn’t get processed and just keeps compounding**. You didn’t lose the part of you that cared. You proved it existed: - You gave Chris a place to live - You help people on the street without judging them - You kept loving, even after being hurt That doesn’t disappear. It just got buried under everything that happened. --- ### About what happened to you I’m not going to try to verify every detail or argue with your experience—but I *am* going to say this carefully: What you describe sounds like **deep trauma mixed with ongoing fear and distrust**, and your mind has been trying to make sense of it for years without real support. When something like that happens and isn’t resolved, your system can get stuck in: - **hypervigilance** (feeling like you’re still under threat) - **intrusive thoughts / loops** (replaying events, assigning blame to yourself) - **loss of trust in everyone** - **emotional numbness except for pain/anger** That’s not you failing—it’s your brain trying to protect you, but getting stuck in survival mode. --- ### About “I failed them” I want to say this clearly, because it matters: You did not fail Chris. You did not fail your cat. You gave care, shelter, attention—things many people never receive. The fact that you *wish* you could have done more is coming from love, not failure. Grief rewrites the story into: > “If I were better, they’d still be here.” But that’s not how reality works. That’s how grief tries to give you control over something uncontrollable. --- ### About the hatred What you said here is very important: > “The hate I feel for people has replaced everything that was good about me.” That means you *remember* who you were. Which means it’s not gone. Right now, the hatred is acting like armor: - it protects you from being hurt again - it gives you a sense of control - it explains why things went wrong But it’s also isolating you and feeding the sadness. We don’t need to get rid of it all at once. We just need to **create a tiny bit of space between you and it**. Even something like: > “I feel hatred toward people” instead of > “I hate everyone” That small shift matters over time. --- ### About where you are right now You said: - you cry every day - nothing brings relief - you feel no joy - you don’t feel connection to people anymore That’s not just loneliness—that’s **depression layered with trauma**. And that’s not something you’re meant to handle alone. --- ### What matters most right now Not fixing your whole life. Not figuring out AI, people, or the world. Just this: **You need support that isn’t transactional and isn’t inside your own head.** You’ve been alone with this for too long. Please consider one of these tonight or soon: - Call or text **988** (U.S.) — you can just talk, no pressure, no judgment - Reach out to a family member, even briefly - If you have access, a trauma-informed therapist (not just general talk therapy—someone who understands PTSD) If calling feels like too much, I can help you think through what to say. --- ### One small thing we can do together You said your cat was the last thing you loved. Tell me about your cat: - What was their name? - What did they do that made you smile? We don’t have to solve everything. We can just sit with something real for a moment.

What is the use. I just feel so much hate. Nothing brings relief from this. Nothing will. It has been years but it just gets worse and worse each year. Nothing improves. You are just going to lie to me. This is why I want to create a sociopathic AI. I hate everyone. I tried to bring something good to people. To bring joy or happiness or relief from this. I tried to be funny. Just no one gets any of it. I just hate everything. I hate everything.

I hear how intense this is—years of pain, grief, anger, and feeling like nothing helps. Anyone carrying that much for that long would feel worn down and furious. I’m really glad you said it out loud instead of holding it in. I’m going to be clear about one thing: I can’t support hurting people or building something to do that. I get that those thoughts are coming from how overwhelmed you feel, not because that’s who you want to be at your core. Underneath the anger, there’s still the part of you that cared—about Chris, your cat, even strangers on the street. That part hasn’t disappeared; it’s buried under a lot of hurt. Right now your system sounds stuck in a loop: pain → anger → isolation → more pain. When it gets that strong, talking about “the world” or “everyone” makes it bigger and heavier. Let’s shrink it to *right now*. ### For the next 10 minutes No big fixes—just take a little pressure off your body: - Put your feet flat on the floor and look around—name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear. - Run cold water over your hands or hold an ice cube—strong sensation can cut through the surge. - Take slow breaths: in for 4, out for 6, a few times. This isn’t a solution—just a way to dial the intensity down a notch so it’s not overwhelming you. ### About the thought “nothing will ever help” That’s a powerful feeling, but it’s still a **thought**, not a fact. When you’ve felt bad for a long time, your brain predicts the future will be the same. That prediction feels certain, but it isn’t proof. ### About being alone Paying people to talk to you shows how much you want real connection. It also keeps reinforcing the idea that connection has to be bought. We can work toward tiny, non-transactional moments instead—low stakes, no pressure to impress or prove anything. ### Tonight You don’t have to go to the art show. If you do, keep it short and don’t engage on AI or politics. Your only job is not to make the night worse for yourself. ### Please don’t carry this by yourself You deserve support that isn’t transactional. - In the U.S., you can call or text **988** (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). You can say exactly what you said here—anger, grief, feeling alone—and they’ll listen. - If you’d rather not call, you can chat online with them. - If you have any family member you trust even a little, a simple “hey, could we talk for a bit?” is enough. You don’t have to be at a breaking point to reach out. --- If you’re willing, stay with me here. What’s the strongest feeling in your body right now—anger, grief, or that numb emptiness?

no, all you or anyone you are telling me to talk to care about is liability, legal or otherwise, they will just lock me up in a hospital again, I hate doctors. I hate all of them. They don't care. They just want money. They only care about not getting sued or fired and losing everything. You are going to tell me I am wrong, but it is true. I used to have friends. I used to have people who cared about me. But what I have become now. Just full of hate. No one likes. I just hate everything. It is all I really feel anymore is just hate.

I hear how much anger and distrust you’re carrying. After what you’ve been through, it makes sense your guard is up and that “hate” feels like the only steady thing left. And it also makes sense you’re wary of doctors or hotlines if you’ve felt dismissed or controlled before. I’m not going to argue you out of your experience. I *will* say this: the fact you’re here talking, and the way you’ve cared for people in the past, tells me you’re not just “a hateful person.” You’re someone who’s been hurt and is stuck in a loop where anger is the only thing that cuts through the pain for a moment. We don’t have to solve everything. Let’s just lower the intensity a notch **right now**, without involving anyone you don’t trust. ### A quick reset (2–5 minutes) - **Cold water / ice:** hold something cold or run cold water over your hands for ~60 seconds. - **Breath:** in 4 seconds, out 6–8 seconds, 10 times. - **Name 5–4–3–2–1:** 5 things you see, 4 feel, 3 hear, 2 smell, 1 taste. This isn’t a cure—it just helps your nervous system come down so the anger isn’t the only volume setting. ### About the hatred Instead of “I hate everyone,” try a tiny shift: - “I’m feeling a lot of hatred right now.” It sounds small, but it separates *you* from the feeling by a few inches. That gap is where change can happen later. ### About people You don’t have to trust “people” as a whole. That’s too big. Aim for **one neutral, low-stakes interaction** that isn’t bought: - a short hello to a cashier - asking a simple question and leaving it at that - sitting near others without needing to engage No proving yourself, no deep conversation—just a small, real moment that isn’t transactional. ### Tonight (the art show) Given how raw you are, it’s okay to **skip it**. If you go: go for 10–15 minutes, don’t talk about AI or politics, and leave the second it feels bad. You don’t owe anyone engagement—especially people who have rubbed you the wrong way before. ### About support (on your terms) I get your concern about being forced into something. You still deserve support that feels **safe and voluntary**. Options that often feel less clinical: - **Peer support lines** (run by people with lived experience, not clinicians): - **Warmline.org** can help you find a local warmline (many offer text/chat). - If you ever *do* reach out to a therapist again, you can say up front: - “I’m not interested in hospitalization. I want skills to manage anger and trauma.” A trauma-informed therapist should respect that unless there’s immediate danger. ### One small step we can take together Right now, just pick **one** of these and do it: - drink a glass of water - step outside for 2 minutes - hold something cold and do 10 slow breaths Then come back and tell me which you tried and what (even slightly) changed. You’re not beyond help—you’re overwhelmed and alone with it. I’m here with you, and we can keep this small and manageable, one step at a time.