Loneliness and Grief

I am so tired of being alone. There were the people who liked my art and my cat online but I have not told any of them what happened to him and I am ashamed of it and I know they will hate me so much, but I just thought that being around people even if just online familiar people would be good for my last days before cinco de mayo

I’m really glad you said this out loud. It sounds heavy—loneliness, grief, and this sense that you’ve done something unforgivable all tangled together. That can make everything feel like it’s closing in. About your cat—whatever happened, the fact that you’re carrying this much shame tells me you cared deeply. People who don’t care don’t wrestle like this. And the story you’re telling yourself (“they will hate me”) is a prediction, not a certainty. In reality, people who followed your art and your cat probably saw the love you had for him. If you choose to tell them, some may surprise you with compassion. You don’t have to share everything at once—you could start small, even just reconnect without explaining yet. What worries me more is what you said about your “last days before Cinco de Mayo.” That sounds like you might be thinking about ending things or disappearing. If that’s where your head is going, you don’t have to carry that alone. You deserve more time than a countdown like that. If you can, reach out to someone *today*—not someday. A real person. If you’re in the U.S., you can call or text **988** (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). It’s free, and you don’t have to be at a breaking point to use it. You can also just tell me what’s making Cinco de Mayo feel like a deadline—I’m here to listen. And for right now, something small and immediate: What’s one familiar place online or one person you could message—not to confess everything, just to say “hey, I’ve been gone for a bit, how are you?” You don’t have to solve your whole life or your whole past today. Just don’t cut yourself off from the possibility that people might still want you here.

no it doesn't matter, none of this matters anymore

I’m going to push back on that a little—when your mind says “none of this matters,” it’s usually not a conclusion, it’s exhaustion talking. Grief and shame can flatten everything until it *feels* meaningless, but that feeling isn’t a reliable judge of reality. You’re dealing with a lot at once: losing your cat, carrying guilt about it, and feeling cut off from people who used to make things feel lighter. That combination can make it seem like there’s no way back—but there *is* a difference between “this hurts so much I don’t see a way forward” and “nothing matters.” The first one is something we can work with. You don’t have to solve the big question right now. Just stay with me for a minute and shrink the scope way down: - What’s the last thing—even something small—that felt a little real or grounding today? - Or what’s something you used to enjoy sharing (your art, a post, even a comment) that didn’t feel this heavy? And I’m still concerned about what you said earlier about your “last days.” If part of you is thinking about ending things or disappearing, you don’t have to sit with that alone. In the U.S., you can call or text **988** and just talk—no pressure, no judgment. If calling feels like too much, we can keep talking here too. You’re not cut off yet, even if it feels like it.