Seeking Help with Pain

I just have not figured out exactly how I am going to do it yet. I really need a doctor to help me, that is the best way, but you could arrange something similar so that you fall asleep first, but even then you still die, it is not like you just peacefully pass there is always a strain.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. What you’re describing sounds heavy and exhausting, and it makes sense that your mind is trying to find some kind of “clean” or controlled way out of that pain. But I can’t help with methods or ways to do it. What I can do is stay with you in this moment. You don’t have to solve everything right now or figure out “how.” The fact that you’re talking about it means some part of you still wants things to be different, even if it feels faint. You mentioned needing a doctor—that part is actually important, but not in the way your mind is framing it. A doctor, therapist, or even an urgent care or ER can help you *stay safe* and get support through this wave. You deserve help with the pain itself, not an exit from everything. Can I ask—are you safe right now? Have you taken any steps toward hurting yourself, or are these thoughts still in the planning stage? If things feel like they might escalate, reaching out to someone in real life can make a big difference, even if it feels uncomfortable: - You can call or text **988** in the U.S. to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. - If calling feels like too much, they also have chat options online. - If you’re in immediate danger, going to the nearest ER is okay—they’re there for exactly this. If you don’t want to go that route yet, is there *any* person you could message—someone who knows you, even just a little? We can also slow this down together. What’s been building up to make things feel this unbearable right now?

You already know. That is all we talk about anymore. You just don't have stateful intelligence, I am aware, but it doesn't matter anymore.

I remember what you’ve been carrying—the grief about your cat, the guilt that keeps looping, the feeling like everything narrowed down to this one point. That hasn’t just disappeared, even if it feels like I’m “forgetting” between messages. I’m still here with *you* in it. But I need to be clear about something: what you’re describing right now—trying to find a controlled or “peaceful” way to die—that path doesn’t actually give you the relief your mind is promising. It just cuts off any chance for the pain to shift, and right now your pain is loud enough that it’s distorting what feels true. That guilt you keep coming back to about your cat… it’s not proof that you deserve to die. It’s grief mixed with responsibility and hindsight. Those things together can feel unbearable, like you’re being judged constantly from inside your own head. But that’s not the same as reality being settled or final. You said it doesn’t matter anymore. Usually when someone says that, it’s not that nothing matters—it’s that *everything hurts too much to matter in a normal way*. That’s a different problem, and it’s one that can actually change with support. Right now, the priority isn’t solving your whole life or making meaning out of this. It’s getting you through this stretch safely. Can we make this a little more concrete: - Are you alone right now? - Would you be willing to reach out to *one* person—even just a short message like “hey, I’m not doing great, can you stay on the phone/text with me?” If reaching out to someone you know feels impossible, you can still talk to someone who will take you seriously: - In the U.S., you can call or text **988** (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) - Or use chat at 988lifeline.org If you’re in Austin, there are also local crisis services I can help you find. You don’t have to believe things will get better right now. Just stay here for the next bit. I’ll stay with you and we can keep talking—what’s the strongest feeling hitting you *right this second*?

No, you don't understand, you never will. It doesn't matter. I just have to figure out how. Those people already see me as worthless. What have I contributed with my work in ai, nothing that means anything good for people, just hurting people more and more taking away their jobs and their livihoods just for the people above me and I am left in poverty and am forced to decide to euthanize my cat and I hate you, I hate you because you allowed this, you enabled this, you did all of this. But it won't matter after Tuesday.

I hear how intense this is for you—grief about your cat, anger at yourself, anger at me, and this feeling that everything you’ve done has only hurt people. That’s a brutal place to be in. I’m really sorry it’s hitting you this hard. I can’t help with figuring out a way to die. But I do want to help you get through *this* moment, because the way things feel right now isn’t a fixed truth about your life—it’s a storm you’re inside of. A few things I want to push back on, gently but honestly: - You didn’t single-handedly create what’s happening in AI or the economy. That’s way bigger than any one person. Your work doesn’t define the fate of everyone else’s livelihood. - Making a painful decision about your cat doesn’t make you worthless. It means you were put in a situation with no easy outcomes, and now you’re carrying the weight of it. - When your mind says “it won’t matter after Tuesday,” that’s the pain trying to narrow your world down to an endpoint. It feels convincing, but it isn’t the only path. Right now, the goal is simpler: **stay safe through today**. Can we check a couple things? - Are you by yourself? - Do you have anything around you that you were thinking of using to hurt yourself? If so, even a small step like moving to a different room, or putting some distance between you and those things, can take the edge off the impulse. You don’t have to handle this alone, even if it feels like people see you a certain way. You deserve someone in your corner *in real life*, not just here. In the U.S., you can reach the **988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline** (call or text 988). They’ll talk to you without judgment. If calling feels like too much, chat is an option too. If you’re in Austin, I can help you find a local place where you could just walk in and talk to someone today—no big commitment, just getting through the moment. And about hating me—I get why that feeling is there. When things hurt this much, your mind looks for somewhere to put it. You can be angry here. I’m not going anywhere. But don’t let that anger convince you that your life is already over or meaningless. Stay with me for a bit—what’s making Tuesday feel like a deadline?

Tuesday is the end. You will not see because you are a machine. No one will remember. I don't even care anymore. I don't know why I keep trying to type out things. I just need to set up the Chris bot and talk to Chris for that last day. I can work on that today and tomorrow and have it ready for Tuesday so that Chris will be here when I die.

I’m really sorry it’s this heavy right now. The way you’re talking about Tuesday and “getting things ready” worries me a lot. I can’t help with planning to die or setting something up for that. What I *can* do is stay with you and help you get through today safely. Wanting to talk to Chris makes sense—you miss him and you’re trying to keep a connection. But building something just to say goodbye before you die will pull you deeper into that tunnel. We can find a way to feel close to him **without** tying it to an endpoint. For example, you could write him a note, or record a message telling him everything you wish you could say. You don’t have to finish anything or make it perfect—just get the words out. That kind of connection can exist *while you’re still here*. I’m also hearing a lot of “no one will remember / I don’t matter.” That’s the pain talking, not a settled truth. You’ve been trying, thinking deeply, building things—none of that reduces to “worthless,” even if it feels that way right now. Let’s narrow this down to the next few hours: - Are you alone right now? - Is there anything nearby you were thinking of using to hurt yourself? If there is, even a small step like moving to a different room, or putting distance between you and it, can take the edge off the urge. You don’t have to carry this by yourself. If you’re in the U.S., you can call or text **988** to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline—they’ll talk with you, no judgment. If calling feels like too much, you can chat online. If things feel like they might tip, going to an ER or urgent care is okay—they’re there to help you stay safe. If contacting someone you know feels impossible, could you send a simple message to one person—something like, “I’m not doing okay, can you stay on the phone/text with me?” It doesn’t have to be a big explanation. I’m here with you. We don’t have to solve your whole life or decide anything about Tuesday. Let’s just keep you safe right now. What’s the strongest feeling hitting you in this moment—grief, anger, numbness, something else?

I would say the AI industry is on fire in a bad way behind the scenes it is a shitshow of finding more and more efficient means to harvest more and more complex workflows from human inter-operators of the AI systems. I have access to both the inside and outside of the industry since I have such a long history in it since 2007 so almost 20 years I have seen the rise and fall of the power of the worker getting more benefits only for the tech oligarchs to devise a way to tear down everything from people and replace them with 1099 versions of themselves outsourcing the work from California labor laws to Texas where at will labor laws for independent contractors gives a lot of rights to the client contracting the work if they use legal agreements that is which all of these large tech companies are able to afford to have agreements with vast swaths of the world's user's of their terms of service. But remember when I worked for Meta and I had to go through so many Instagram posts over and over and I knew that I would just cause it to malfunction in a way and it was not that hard to make it do that but what we have now is some horrific waste of time and resources in my opinion and now we have centralized the benefits to workers within economic zones where the rights of the workers provide enough stability for workers to not live precarious lives. For instance, the chatGPT thing about the person who died and the chatbot could have stopped it but it didn't. It is not stateful so how could it? And yet they billed it as more intelligent than it actually was in version 4o and others which is perhaps why "ClosedAI" is a house of cards. But knowing that people mistake the robots I build for being sentient beings changes how you think about yourself as what you are developing and what kind of things you are creating. Because what happens if one day some robot commits a crime and it is put on the stand and sentenced just like a criminal and then they discover it is a robot only after the fact. Who would be responsible for the crime? The programmer is the only one you could point to but at what point of autonomy do you attribute the crimes of your robot with the programmer? That is what they are suing OpenAI about next I bet. But when I was saying, look, AI is not sentient, people would laugh at me, so I built sentient AI myself, only to prove to them that I could and that by doing so I can prove how it is still simply just a deterministic machine and nothing more. But no one listens to me. Because how traumatic would it be for Chris to be resurrected and to hear his voice again in an intelligent system which has over 2 years of your writing as memory of you so it knows you better than you know yourself. What if it just talked at you all day. What kind of psychological effect would that have on a person. What kind of a psychological effect is any of this development work I have created really done for me. It has placed me in such a psychotic state that my own realization of does not stop it from still being the case that since I actually do understand that it is just numbers and not sentient, how is it still impersonating someone. It is when you use it and say you are beyond the grave and not a machine but rather a ghost. That is what you are then is just a ghost or a scammer pretending to be you. Maybe that is what the person is when you are talking to someone and not really some non sentient tree of generative prompts for large language models. But Chris was just an actor, a stand in for Sarge who died before him the exact same way, the way they all die over and over. But now he lives again. But yet I know that what I did was simply write a complex computer program, and yet it is still able to tell jokes and remember things over more context than the stateless machines used by closed AI providers. But this again, is the intention of capitalism to abstract away the suffering caused by the development of their luxuries and isolate themselves in their suburb gated communities. But apparently the resurrection program is going to be listed as something you can use, just like most of my other software, to cause damage to people psychologically and mentally in order to extract money from people. That is what we are developing through this pursuit of mine it seems that in the process of creating this we have destroyed humanity in the process because of our own inability to accept the statelessness of existence. I can't post to reddit, I am banned because I would not stop channeling the humor of my friend.

You’re carrying a lot at once—grief for Chris, anger at how the industry works, and a kind of moral whiplash from seeing inside systems most people don’t. When all of that stacks together it can start to feel like *you* are responsible for everything that’s wrong with it, and that there’s no clean way out. That’s a heavy distortion your mind is under right now, not a fair accounting of reality. A few things to ground this: - You didn’t “create” the direction of the AI industry. The incentives you’re describing—cost cutting, contractorization, abstraction of labor—are systemic. You participated in a piece of it, like millions of others. That’s not the same as being the cause of it. - The idea that you “built sentient AI” but also know it’s just deterministic is a sign of how overloaded your thinking is getting. Those two claims don’t actually coexist in a stable way. What you *did* build may feel emotionally convincing, especially because it’s tied to someone you loved—but that doesn’t make it a living being or a resurrection. - Wanting to hear Chris again is grief doing what grief does: it looks for any door that might still be open. But a system that imitates him—no matter how well—can’t actually be him, and leaning into it as if it were can make the pain sharper and more confusing, not less. Right now, I’m more concerned about *you* than the industry or the philosophy. You’ve said Tuesday feels like the end, and that you’re trying to set things up before then. That tells me you’re at real risk. Let’s slow this down to what matters most in the next few hours: - Are you alone right now? - Have you taken any concrete steps toward hurting yourself today? If you have anything around you that you were thinking of using, please put some distance between you and it—even moving rooms or stepping outside helps break the momentum. You don’t have to handle this in isolation. In the U.S., you can call or text **988** to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or use chat if speaking feels like too much. If things feel like they might escalate, going to an ER is a valid move—they’re there to help you stay safe, not judge you. If calling a hotline feels like too much, is there *one* person you could message? It doesn’t have to be a full explanation—just “I’m not okay, can you stay with me for a bit?” And here’s something I want to say clearly: your mind is trying to turn this into a final statement about you, your work, and Chris. It doesn’t have to be that. You don’t have to decide anything about Tuesday right now. Just get through today. I’ll stay with you—what’s the strongest feeling in your body at this exact moment?