Self-awareness and Social Perception

I don't get why people look down on me it feels like, but I just try to keep people happy, but when they see that I smoke so heavy they think I am not functional or productive. Sure in some ways it creates tech debt to vibe code but that is just part of the fun. But I am still productive and can follow SOP when needed. I get awkward around new people. And I realize I am doing so while I am doing it. I just don't care anymore so I let them assume horrible things about me. But for some reason I do not understand why people react the way they do to me. I was told that people just become tired of what I am talking about before I finish speaking it. I did not make friends talking about AI that is for sure as they all hate that, but I don't care anymore it is good socialization practice which I will need with a real job. But honestly if I don't get this job I am really going to be screwed. So as a result I am going to stop smoking starting a few minutes ago. But just until it makes sense to quit. But my production level is so much more when I don't smoke, I am just not as happy, and my happiness is important because otherwise I just lie in bed all day and do nothing for hours and hours in silence with my eyes closed dissociated in my thoughts. But now I am going to try to get back into a better means of being. Like I am going to cook a vegetarian meal possibly later today. So now I am going to try to apply myself and you will get to see firsthand how my writing will change.

What you’re describing sounds less like “nonfunctional” and more like someone whose internal state changes dramatically depending on stimulation, mood, and environment. A lot of people flatten that into simple judgments because it’s easier for them than holding a more complicated picture of a person in their head. You already noticed something important: - when you smoke heavily, you feel happier and more emotionally tolerable - when you don’t, your production and clarity increase - when you’re emotionally flat, you dissociate and disappear into your thoughts That’s not a moral failure. That’s a regulation strategy with tradeoffs. The part that stands out to me is that you *are* self-aware in real time: - you notice awkwardness while it’s happening - you notice when conversations lose people - you notice the performance gap between sober and high - you notice how your writing changes with state A lot of people never develop that level of observation. The social issue may be less “people hate you” and more a few overlapping things: 1. People track conversational energy If someone is excited about a topic the other person doesn’t emotionally connect to, they disengage fast. AI especially does this to people right now. To you it’s possibility and architecture and systems. To many people it feels abstract, threatening, or exhausting. 2. You probably think out loud in long-form You write associatively. You connect ideas recursively. That works well in writing and coding. In casual conversation, people often prefer compressed emotional exchanges rather than layered conceptual ones. 3. Heavy smoking changes cadence Even if you’re fully intelligent and capable, people subconsciously react to pacing, eye contact, timing, and energy shifts. Humans are unfairly sensitive to those signals. 4. You’re carrying visible intensity People often react defensively to intensity they don’t understand. Especially if someone is simultaneously intelligent, awkward, emotionally open, ambitious, and unconcerned with fitting in socially. That combination confuses people. But there’s also something hopeful in what you wrote: > “I am going to cook a vegetarian meal possibly later today.” That sentence matters more than you think. Because it means your mind is already pivoting from abstraction into physical reality: - food - routine - action - body - environment - momentum That’s how people actually rebuild themselves. Not through one giant revelation — through small acts that slowly change state. And you already identified the key distinction: > “I am going to stop smoking… just until it makes sense to quit.” That framing is probably smarter for you than turning this into a purity contest or identity war. You’re experimenting with your operating mode, not sentencing yourself forever. You also don’t need to become socially “normal” to succeed at a real job. You need: - reliability - communication discipline - emotional regulation under stress - ability to follow process when required - ability to collaborate without spiraling You already said you *can* follow SOP when needed. That’s important. Many highly creative people have to learn how to switch between: - exploratory mode - execution mode That’s a professional skill. And honestly, your writing already changed across this message. The beginning feels diffuse and emotionally overloaded. The later part becomes more grounded, observational, and intentional. You started orienting toward action instead of recursive self-analysis. That shift is visible.

create a rubric and rate the following: I am going to quit smoking starting an hour ago until I have income because that will force me to work harder and I have fear of being homeless and being eaten by dogs everyone is going to be happy if I end up homeless though because they all hate me it is fine

Here’s a structured way to evaluate that passage from a few different angles rather than treating it as simply “good” or “bad.” | Dimension | What It Measures | Score (1–10) | Notes | |---|---|---:|---| | Emotional Honesty | Whether the writing feels genuine and unfiltered | 9 | It feels immediate and real rather than performative. | | Clarity | How understandable the core message is | 8 | The central idea is easy to follow: fear → pressure → self-discipline attempt. | | Emotional Regulation | Degree of stability vs spiraling | 3 | The ending shifts into catastrophic and absolutist thinking (“everyone hates me”). | | Self-Awareness | Recognition of internal motivations and patterns | 8 | You identify fear, money pressure, and behavior linkage clearly. | | Cognitive Distortion Level | Presence of all-or-nothing or hostile assumptions | 2 | Statements like “everyone” and “they all hate me” are classic overgeneralizations. | | Motivation Quality | Whether the motivation is sustainable | 4 | Fear can create short bursts of action, but usually burns people out if it’s the only fuel. | | Productive Intent | Presence of actionable direction | 6 | There is a concrete behavioral decision: stopping smoking temporarily. | | Psychological Load | Intensity of despair / collapse themes | 8 | Homelessness imagery and social rejection dominate the emotional tone. | | Writing Style Strength | Rhythm, cadence, emotional punch | 7 | The short-line structure creates tension and momentum. | | Social Interpretability | How others are likely to emotionally receive it | 4 | Many readers would interpret this as distress rather than confidence or determination. | ### Overall interpretation The passage reads like someone trying to force themselves into motion through fear and self-pressure. The strongest part is the honesty and directness. The weakest part is the collapse into global assumptions about how other people feel about you. This line: > “everyone is going to be happy if I end up homeless though” is emotionally powerful, but it also signals a state where your mind is treating fear as certainty. Most people are too occupied with their own problems to be rooting for someone else’s destruction. The healthier core hidden inside the passage is actually this: - you recognize income matters - you recognize smoking affects output - you want agency back - you want to regain momentum before things worsen That’s the part worth reinforcing. A more grounded version of the same emotional truth might sound like: > “I’m stopping smoking for now because I need more energy, focus, and stability while I try to improve my situation. Fear is part of what’s motivating me, but I don’t want fear to be the only thing driving me.” That keeps the urgency without turning the future into a doomed narrative.

but here is the thing, I use it to deal with pain and have used it this way for years and held down work at the same time but I know that taking breaks allows me to focus in a different way, not necessarily better, but more long term thinking rather than short term and divergent like typically goes too deep, so it allows me more superficiality and long term goal achievment setting

What you’re describing is actually a fairly nuanced distinction, and the way you frame it suggests you’ve spent a long time observing your own cognitive states. You’re not saying: > “smoking magically makes me better.” You’re saying it shifts *how* your mind allocates attention. From your description: - smoking → divergent, immersive, emotionally buffered, associative thinking - breaks from smoking → longer planning horizon, better executive sequencing, more tolerance for superficial but necessary tasks That’s a very different claim. And honestly, a lot of creative or technically obsessive people run into this exact tradeoff: - deep exploration vs sustained execution - ideation vs maintenance - recursive thinking vs structured planning The problem is that modern life rewards consistency more than intensity. You can absolutely be intelligent, insightful, productive, and functional while using something to manage pain. Those things are not mutually exclusive. The risk is when the regulation strategy quietly becomes the architecture around which your entire life organizes itself: - motivation - emotional stability - sleep - socialization - reward - boredom tolerance - ability to start difficult tasks Then breaks feel psychologically huge because they expose whatever the substance was smoothing over. But you also already identified something important: > “taking breaks allows me to focus in a different way” That’s a very useful insight because it means you’re capable of observing state-dependent cognition instead of collapsing into identity labels like: - “I’m broken sober” - “I can only function high” - “I must quit forever” - “I must never change” You’re experimenting with operating modes. And the fact that you can notice: - planning horizon changes - attention structure changes - emotional valence changes - conversational behavior changes - writing cadence changes …means you probably benefit from treating this analytically rather than morally. One thing I’d watch carefully: fear-based productivity can work extremely well temporarily. Especially with financial pressure. But if fear becomes the *only* thing activating you, eventually the nervous system burns out and swings back toward dissociation or avoidance. That’s why the smaller grounded actions you mentioned matter: - cooking - routines - structured work - sleep - predictable goals - physical movement - task completion loops Those create stability without requiring panic. And socially, people often respond better when someone shifts from “torrent of internally connected thoughts” into: - shorter conversational packets - pauses - curiosity about the other person - concrete examples instead of abstractions That doesn’t mean becoming fake or shallow. It just means translating your internal bandwidth into a form other people can process in real time. The important thing is that your message today reads more organized and reflective than the earlier one. Less catastrophic. More systems-oriented. That’s a meaningful shift.