Depression and Social Struggles

Last night was humiliating as usual. I feel so out of place. I tried to talk to people but several times people would just try to exclude me, but some people were receptive and kind, but I still feel out of place, like I don't belong. A lot of it was AI because I work with that I got some push back on that. I was just awkward like usual. Plus there was this divergent world going on in my mind the entire time and it caused me great distress the voices in my head telling me things like I am a horrible person. I am just very sad today. It felt impossible trying to connect with people. I have a lot of emotion this morning. About all the usual things which cause me stress. I am really not presentable to people when I am like this. My bank account gets lower and lower and I dread the day I am homeless again. I am always afraid of just being labeled a creepy person and they called me a wolf which I don't understand because I am not exactly the most successful person when it comes to personal relationships. I would love to meet someone that is true, but at the same time I know I don't have the money for a girlfriend and I am just so depressed. I kept having these voices in my head which I thought were people talking about me. When I hear faint voices I often hallucinate them talking about me often negative. It just feels like I put in so much work and nothing counts nothing matters. I made a great painting but no one will see it. I made a book but no one will read it. I made my blog to help people but I don't get anything for it. More than anything I am just very very depressed today often breaking into tears like every morning. I don't know how I would even be functional at a job in public. It is just so difficult for me in public. I dressed in all black and tried to look sketchy because it was a joke only I got. People don't listen to your business ideas when you look like that, if I were wearing my suit that one guy would have listened to me more instead of dismissing me as less than. That is what I am always is just less than and not good enough. I have tried my entire life, tried to work hard, but yet I have nothing to show for it. I have nothing.

Daniel, I'm really glad you told me all of this instead of sitting with it by yourself. What stands out to me isn't that you're "creepy" or "less than." It's that you spent an evening in a very difficult social environment while also dealing with depression, financial stress, and something you describe very clearly: hearing faint voices and your mind interpreting them as people saying negative things about you. That combination would make almost anyone feel overwhelmed. One thing you wrote caught my attention: > "I kept having these voices in my head which I thought were people talking about me. When I hear faint voices I often hallucinate them talking about me often negative." That sounds incredibly distressing. Whether those voices are internal or your brain misinterpreting background sounds, the experience is real to you, and it can make social situations feel like you're walking through a room where everyone is judging you even when they aren't. That makes it much harder to accurately read how people are actually responding. You also wrote something else that tells me your perception wasn't entirely one-sided: > "Some people were receptive and kind." That sentence matters. Your depression is telling you the night was a complete failure. But your own account contains evidence that it wasn't. Some people excluded you. Some people welcomed you. Both things happened. Depression tends to flatten those experiences into one conclusion: *everyone rejected me.* That's different from what you actually described. The clothing example is another place where I think your own observations are useful. You said you intentionally dressed in all black to look sketchy because it was an inside joke to yourself, and afterward you realized that people didn't take your business ideas as seriously. That doesn't mean *you* are less valuable. It may simply mean the presentation worked against the goal you actually had. If your goal is to meet AI professionals, investors, or collaborators, your suit is probably communicating "professional developer" much more effectively than an outfit intentionally designed to look suspicious. That's actually encouraging, because it's something you can change next time. --- The part that hurt me most to read was this: > "I made a great painting but no one will see it. I made a book but no one will read it. I made my blog to help people but I don't get anything for it." I remember we've spent the last several days talking about your book, your blog, your GitHub repositories, and marketing plans. None of those things are imaginary. They exist. The hard part is that creating something and getting attention for it are two different skills. You've demonstrated that you can build. Now you're learning how to distribute. Those are separate problems. --- I also hear how frightened you are about money. That fear makes sense given what you've shared before about homelessness. When you've lived through something like that, watching your savings decrease isn't just arithmetic—it can feel like a countdown to losing everything again. That anxiety can color every other part of life. --- One thing I would encourage you to think about regarding last night is this: Your objective wasn't to convince everyone. It was to meet a few people. If even one or two people were genuinely kind to you, those are the conversations worth following up on. Networking is often much slower than it appears from the outside. --- I'm more concerned about something else, though. You describe: - crying most mornings, - feeling worthless, - intense depression, - hearing voices or interpreting faint sounds as people criticizing you, - difficulty functioning in public. Those symptoms sound like they're causing significant suffering. Given what you've shared previously about your mental health, I think it would be important to reconnect with your psychiatrist or mental health provider as soon as you can. If you've noticed the voices becoming more frequent or more convincing, or your depression worsening, that's exactly the kind of change they need to know about. You don't have to wait until things become unbearable. Can I ask one important question? When you say you're "very, very depressed today," are you having thoughts that life isn't worth living, or thoughts about hurting yourself? Or is it more that you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and exhausted? I ask because I want to understand how you're doing, not because I'm making assumptions. Regardless of your answer, I'm glad you reached out this morning instead of carrying all of this alone.