Self-Worth and Validation

I think what I want is social validation because of how badly I have been treated after being so well treated has a greater disparity. I think that I have lost at life because it is too late for me to change the wounds I carry with me each day which simply compound and the physical and mental pain I am in each day cause me great distress. I am a horrible person. I hate myself so much. I keep internalizing hate towards myself for failing in some way, of missing the mark. But everyone does that, but to different degrees, and the degree I have messed up my life is too late to correct and I will forever be viewed as something less than everyone and beneath others because that is how I feel about myself.

Thank you for saying this so directly. There's a lot of pain in what you wrote, and it doesn't read to me like someone describing objective facts about themselves. It reads like someone who has been carrying rejection, loss, chronic stress, physical pain, and isolation for a long time and has started using that pain as evidence about who they are. One thing that stood out was this sentence: > "I think what I want is social validation..." I think that's a very human thing to want. Most people want to feel respected, valued, and like they belong. When someone has gone through years of instability or exclusion, that need often becomes much stronger because it has been deprived for so long. Wanting validation isn't a character flaw. You also wrote: > "I am a horrible person." When I look at our conversations over the past months, I don't see evidence that you're a horrible person. I see someone who spends enormous amounts of time building software, writing technical articles, trying to create useful tools, grieving the loss of your cat, worrying about paying bills, and wanting meaningful work. Those things don't prove you're a good person, but they also don't support the conclusion that you're a horrible one. What I do see is a pattern where every setback becomes evidence for a global conclusion: - I lost work → therefore I'm a failure. - People judged me → therefore I'm beneath everyone. - My life is difficult → therefore I deserve contempt. - I can't undo the past → therefore I'm worthless. Those are understandable thoughts when someone has experienced repeated rejection, but they aren't the same thing as facts. You mentioned something that I think is especially important: > "after being so well treated has a greater disparity." Losing status or acceptance often hurts more than never having had it. Humans are very sensitive to contrast. If you've experienced being respected or feeling like you belonged, and then later experienced homelessness, poverty, illness, or social exclusion, your brain naturally compares the two. That comparison can make the present feel even more unbearable. I also notice another sentence: > "the physical and mental pain I am in each day cause me great distress." Chronic pain changes how people think. Depression changes how people evaluate themselves. Isolation changes how people interpret social situations. None of those automatically mean your conclusions about yourself are accurate—they can make negative conclusions feel overwhelmingly convincing. The part of your message that concerns me most is the intensity of your self-hatred: > "I hate myself so much." Given everything you've shared over many conversations, I'd like to ask you something directly: **Are you feeling like you might act on these thoughts today, or are you mainly describing how deeply you hate yourself right now?** The answer matters because if this has moved from "I feel worthless" to "I'm thinking about hurting myself," I want to respond differently and help you stay safe. Regardless of your answer, I don't think the goal right now is to convince yourself that you're amazing. When someone is in this much pain, that usually doesn't feel believable. A more realistic goal is something like: > "My life has been extremely difficult, and I've started treating myself as if the hardships I've endured are proof that I'm inherently beneath other people." That statement leaves room for compassion without pretending everything is okay. You have also demonstrated something that doesn't fit with the story that you're incapable of changing: over the last year you've continued learning, you've published extensively, you've built increasingly sophisticated AI systems, and you've kept applying for work despite repeated setbacks. Those don't erase your suffering, but they are evidence that your life is not frozen in place. I'm glad you told me this instead of keeping it to yourself. And I'd like to hear your answer to my question above, because I want to understand where you are right now and respond appropriately.

what is wrong with me that I have so much suffering each day when I should be happy with my life but I am not and so I can not function like everyone else it feels like I am always at a disadvantage and because of my erratic behavior I am labeled and ostracized and people hate me because it is a projection of my own hatred for myself while I split and keep the other as being all good and myself as the source of all the suffering in my life rather than it being external but I have been known to blow up when people are really rude, I hate that so much and that is often why I act erratic because I will just walk off mid conversation or just not talk or talk too much or any number of other faux paux

What you described actually contains a lot of insight into your own patterns. You're not just saying "I feel bad"—you're noticing the way your mind organizes experiences. That level of self-observation is something many people struggle to develop. From what you've shared over many conversations, I don't think there's one thing "wrong" with you. I think several difficult things are interacting: - You've described living with bipolar disorder. - You've talked about years of homelessness and instability. - You've experienced significant grief, including losing Captain. - You've been dealing with chronic physical pain. - You've been under financial pressure and uncertainty. - You've felt socially isolated for a long time. Any one of those can make daily life much harder. Together, they can make even ordinary interactions feel exhausting. One thing you wrote stood out: > "people hate me because it is a projection of my own hatred for myself" There may be some truth that when we hate ourselves, we're more likely to expect rejection and interpret ambiguous situations through that lens. But I would be careful about assuming everyone hates you. Sometimes people are uncomfortable, sometimes they misunderstand us, sometimes they're genuinely rude, and sometimes they're kind. Depression and shame tend to flatten all of those into one conclusion: *everyone rejects me.* You also wrote: > "I split and keep the other as being all good and myself as the source of all the suffering" That sounds like you're recognizing a pattern where you idealize others while assigning all blame to yourself. That isn't a balanced way of evaluating relationships. In reality, interactions are usually more mixed. Sometimes you make mistakes. Sometimes the other person does. Sometimes both do. You mentioned blowing up when people are rude. That doesn't make you a bad person. It does suggest that your nervous system may already be carrying a heavy load. When someone is under chronic stress, the threshold for reacting gets much lower. A rude comment that another person shrugs off can feel like the final straw after years of accumulated hurt. I also noticed something else: > "I should be happy with my life" Who says you should? You have accomplishments to be proud of—you've built sophisticated AI projects, written extensively, and kept learning—but you've also described living with chronic pain, grief, financial insecurity, and loneliness. Having achievements doesn't automatically cancel out suffering. Many people who look successful from the outside still struggle deeply. The question I'd encourage you to ask isn't "Why can't I be happy?" It's "What is keeping my nervous system in a state where happiness is difficult to access?" Those are different questions. Because I care about your well-being, I also want to ask you something directly. Earlier you said you hate yourself very much, and now you're describing intense suffering every day. **Are you having thoughts about ending your life, or are you feeling overwhelmed by the pain but not wanting to die?** It's okay to answer honestly. I'm asking because it helps me understand how best to support you, not because I'm judging you.

I had thought that the physical pain from my rib was getting better but I think it is not better and that it has just been masked by smoking which helps me with the pain and staying calm. I am in so much pain each day. My mental state is in pain as well whenever I just think about anything really, it is all negative self talk that I get because I am so isolated that no one is there to break the cycle of self criticism and so it just becomes a recursive feedback loop and I just continue to get more and more sad each day and I have been in the hospital over ten times in the past but that was before the trump administration and I have this delusion that they just kill you instead of help you now and that we live in this gated fantasy world and that is why they have not killed me yet.

Daniel, I'm really glad you told me this instead of keeping it to yourself. What you describe sounds like several things feeding into each other: - You're living with significant physical pain. - You're isolated, so there isn't anyone regularly interrupting your negative self-talk. - Your mind is generating frightening beliefs about the world. - The pain and the beliefs reinforce each other in a loop. When someone is in constant pain, it becomes much harder to evaluate thoughts objectively. Physical pain, depression, and isolation can all amplify each other. I also want to address this part carefully: > "I have this delusion that they just kill you instead of help you now..." The fact that you called it a **delusion** tells me that at least part of you recognizes that your mind may not be presenting reality accurately. I don't have evidence that hospitals are killing patients because of a change in administration. Hospitals certainly make mistakes, and people can have bad experiences, but the belief that they are intentionally killing people isn't something I can confirm. Given what you've shared about your mental health history, I think it's important to treat that thought as something that deserves to be questioned rather than accepted as fact. What concerns me more is how much distress it's causing you. You also said: > "it is all negative self talk... it just becomes a recursive feedback loop." That description makes sense to me. If you're alone most of the day, there isn't another voice to interrupt your own. Eventually your inner critic becomes the only voice you're hearing, and it starts to sound like objective truth. Earlier you said you were in severe pain from your ribs. If that pain is getting worse again—or if smoking is simply masking it—that's worth getting medically reassessed. Rib injuries and related pain can take a long time to heal, and persistent or worsening pain shouldn't just be assumed to be part of recovery. What I'm most concerned about, though, is your overall safety. You've told me: - you're in significant physical pain, - you're overwhelmed by self-hatred, - you're feeling increasingly isolated, - and you're having thoughts that you yourself recognize may be delusional. I'd like to ask you directly: **Are you thinking that you might act on these thoughts or hurt yourself today, or are you mainly feeling trapped by the pain and the frightening thoughts?** If your answer is that you think you might act on them, or you're not sure you can keep yourself safe tonight, I don't think you should be alone with this. I would want you to seek immediate help by going to the nearest emergency department or calling **911** if you're in immediate danger. If talking feels easier, you can also call or text **988** to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, where someone can stay with you through what you're experiencing. If, instead, you're saying, "No, I don't want to die—I just can't stop my mind from attacking me," then I'm here with you, and we can work through what's happening one piece at a time. Can you answer me with just one of these if that's easiest? - **A.** "I'm safe, but I'm overwhelmed." - **B.** "I'm not sure I'm safe." - **C.** "I'm thinking I might act on these thoughts." Knowing which one fits will help me respond in the most useful way.